I owe your mom 50bucks? say whattt

His Grandmother died. Okay, fine. She was the most inspiring person in his life. Okay, fine. Do I do well at funerals and wakes? No. After my Grandfather died and I wasn’t told and missed the funeral.. it’s been a sore subject.

I don’t want to go to the wake/funeral. Maybe it’s because I’m not that in love with him to care enough to go and support him no matter what, no mater where. Sorry.

And then he throws out, “Oh, and you owe my mom $50 before Friday” Say whatwhat now? I guess his cousin’s gf got flowers and it was about $50 worth. So his mom buys flowers with my name on it, $50 worth. Someone’s not concerned with keeping up appearances. Didn’t want her’s son’s gf to look like a dick. Hey, thanks mom.

Not cool. I’m not paying it. End. Of. Story.

rainbow jimmy depression

I found myself eating stoneyfield dark chocolate out of the pint while dipping my spoonful into rainbow jimmies.. for breakfast, over the kitchen sink. Ugh. Sad, yet so good. That feeling of giving into your demons because you don’t care at that moment. Fearing you might just let it all go and never gain control again. I had a second helping a couple of hours later.

Either that says I’m depressed or there’s nothing in the fridge.

oh puke.

Has anyone else EVER been so hungry you felt like you could boot? I know I know, a lot respond by saying, ‘ohh if I eat too much I feel like throwing up.’ Okay, great That wasn’t the question.

So the other night I went to bed famished, and it wasn’t like I hadn’t eaten all that day, because I had. Yogurt, dumplings, sandwich, tacos, smoothie.. So I get up and I stumble to the kitchen and grab the fastest easiest thing, a nutrigrain bar. Strawberry. I’m leaning over the kitchen sink eating it slowly, because I did feel soooo hungry I could have puked. You know that feeling in your throat/glands when you’re about to regurgitate? Man did I feel it, so I quickly pulled my hair back and BAM. Booted.

Nothing came up but what I had just consumed. So it wasn’t a food born illness from something else I ate.. no other symptoms. OH but wait. I take Zoloft and my dosage had just been raised to 100mg that day. Explains increased hunger, and maybe the nausea. Anyway, first time that’s ever happened to me. Yeesh.

will+jolie

I’ve been having these crazy dreams lately, more so than usual.. last night was a long and random one. At one point I was at a YSL fashion show held at a public library, and went to walk outside with my dog [?!} and there was Will Ferrell and Angelina Jolie, rompin around. Major affair and it was weird.

Oh and this one time I beheaded 2 people.. then tossed their heads down a flight of 7+ stairs, but the gap part, not the actual stairs. Yup.

abandonment, shmabandonment.

I can try to think back and the only person who ever abandoned me and my siblings was my mother. I knew why she had to. I understood.. eventually. My father was controlling and isolating, to say the least. Had cut her off from any sort of socialization.

I get it.

Perhaps it’s the residing anger I have for her leaving us with the wolf to fend for ourselves. Forcing me to be more of a mother figure than I already was when she was gone. Trying to keep it together, for myself and little siblings. Trying to anticipate my fathers needs before he blew up.

I get it.

So why am I suffering from abandonment caused by men. Men who said they loved me. Leaving me for another continent. Saying the hardest thing about leaving, was leaving me. Men who I know aren’t the one for me. But yet, my heart literally feels like it’s ripping apart in all directions. Causing me to go into emotional rages.

I don’t recall getting this upset when one of my best friends moved back home.. Perhaps it’s because she wasn’t moving to France.. so far away.

Maybe it’s the fact that they stress so much how much they love you and how hard it is to leave you and that they don’t want to leave you and blahblahblah, and then they do. They leave. They leave you to crumble while your heart has mini heart attacks when you see something that reminds you of them. Hearing a song, passing That park, watching That show. Seeing someone else wear the same shoes they wear. A constant reminder. A constant pain. And to know, they are so busy with having the time of their lives, a new experience. And they probably aren’t thinking about you. And if they are, They aren’t sad. They have this false hope that you’re fine. Because they want you to be fine. They don’t want to be the reason you’re on antidepressants now. They don’t want to have this girl they know now turn crazed. They don’t want the blame.

I get it.

severing the love addiction

Cut Off, Take 7!

I gave the same speech but in a different way yesterday. How I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep living in this fantasy where that if we pretend everything’s alright, they will be if as long as we hold on tight to empty promises. When the harsh reality is, if and when he comes back, it probably won’t be to me. And that my friends, is a good thing. He, is no good for me. *sever*

He said he needed me the most right now. Well I need This more than you need me. I’m on meds for crying out loud. Because of this. Of him. I still don’t buy how I’m the “closest” person to him, among his friends and family. I’m just a girl who happened to walk through your work and happened to have a question which led to conversation and me pulling you out of a black hole. That’s the only thing I can think of which would qualify me as That important.

So I had to take a xanax and all that did was make me wanna pass out. I still had the anxiety mind you. This will be brought up at the next appointment. I need a better solution. Can’t be having panic attacks and falling asleep at the job. Unprofessional.

So this is day 2 of the severing project. Let’s see how long this will last. I think the longest we went without talking but he still sent me messages was 2 months give or take. I need more than 2 months.

another one bites the dust..

What the hell is wrong with you people? You know so-and-so is in a relationship AND you’re leaving the country to work and you have to drop the L-bomb. Request that last sleepover, kiss, deep talk, nonsense. WHYYY?!

Either we were doing so well at being friends or we used to fight about bullshit like why we should or shouldn’t take it to the next level, but worked it out and now are good friends.. either way dude, you fucked it all up. Now, we’re back to square one or two.. I think square one would entail we’ve met and are getting to know each other, two would probably be when we start to make moves.. Whatever!

I don’t get it. Drives me nuts. This is exhausting. Thanks a lot. Now I have to meet up with you again and either act like it never happened, act like I “want” to talk about it or be straight up cold and say no, we’re not discussing this any further.

Bollocks.

love doesnt move to another continent.

Can someone move away from a person they love so much? If they do move, and take up a job.. does that mean they don’t want the relationship? They don’t really love you as much as they claimed? Does. Love. Move. Question Mark.

color-me-neurotic

Here’s the question; what is it about someone who drives you absolutely crazy in ways you wouldn’t even have anything to do with them, but yet are completely in “love”, up to your ears in jealousy and oh-so-attached? I can’t figure it out.

That’s the drama in my skull. A person who owns my emotions and mental freedom without even knowing it, or perhaps they do. Hmm..

Cleverfuckingthieves.

she couldnt have said it better..

 

“Let it be sufficient to say that, on this night, he was still my lighthouse and my albatross in equal measure. The only thing more  u n t h i n k a b l e  than leaving was staying; the only thing more  i m p o s s i b l e  than staying was leaving. I didn’t want to destroy anything or anybody. I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences, and then not stop running until I reached Greenland.” -elizabethGilbert