updizz8te

howdy.

So, my current problem that has been present for the past few months; bad dreams.

Consistently dreaming bad dreams of the same shit. Dreaming I am getting into car crashes, falling, running from something, being scared, people breaking into my home, and last night, I dreamt of something burning. I forget what. I also have been dreaming of my mom lately, and they aren’t pleasant. So mega sad.

 

I dont know what it all means. I can’t figure out how to make them stop. I havn’t slept well in  s o   l o n g .

-r

tugO/war

I feel as though I could potentially be schizophrenic.

Why I feel this way? Well, I am constantly playing tug-o-war in my head. I am always going from a black & white thought process to a shades of gray thought process. When I think of something, I am thinking in more than one way. Could this be a good thing? It feels confusing. I always have more than one answer, explanation, reasoning behind everything. Why can’t I just stick to one idea.

 /One side.\

How does one manage through life with so many thoughts. How can one make that next move. [I never used to be indecisive.]

I just feel like I have more than one personality with all of my different thoughts going against each other in my head. Weird, I know. I don’t think any of this even makes sense. Ha.

I could never be on a debate team. I would back my people up, but then I wouldn’t be able to help myself as to understanding why the other team believe in their opinion. How can I be so 2-sided? ew. Make it stop.

This trend I lead is especially difficult when it comes to relationships and how I feel. I’m sure you know where I’m going with that…

What I do believe in:

“We’d never know what’s wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same”

//theFray.allatOnce

-r

myrec/ommendation

“you break my heart into a  t h o u s a n d   p i e c e s  and you say it’s because I deserve better?

//FromAutumnToAshes/TakeHerToTheMusicStore

-r

talkabout//timing

I believe in the phrase; “You snooze, you lose”.

Though it seems that even when we don’t snooze, we still lose. We can try, try, and try again–and can continuously lose.

A fine example would be in pursuing a certain someone.  The Apple of your eye. 

Everyone has that one person they really liked, and got butterflies from. They seemed perfect. You talk on the phone for hours, causing you to get 4 hours of sleep for work the next day. You guys hang out, have fun, yaddayaddayadda. You tell the person straight up, “I like you“.

What’s their response? “Im not ready“.

So they were honest. Great. You stick with them anyway in hopes that they will be ready at some point. You end up giving them more space at this time, because you don’t want to pressure them, or make them feel uncomfortable. Then what happens?

Ha, you call them up for drinks, to get together and catch up and such. They reply with, “Well, I’d like to, but I’d have to ask ’so-and-so’ if its ok. I really like them and don’t want to screw it up.”

[Whaaaaaaaaaaaat????]

So you’re sitting there wondering when in hell did he get ready and not tell You. Instead they found someone else to be ready for. Rediculous. Personally, when someone tells another that they like them, and they get an answer that states that they’re not ready, I get the feeling that you may like them as well, but you’re not ready. I didn’t hear you say that you don’t like me, I just heard You’re not ready; which would imply–the obvious.

Or perhaps the not so obvious.

I guess I also believe in “Everything happens for a reason.” As shitty as a situation can be, there must be some good coming out of it. right?

-r

poetic//2

he had the power

to make my lip quiver,

he helped me dream good dreams.

 

 

and when i’d see him

i couldn’t breathe,

my breath was locked within.

 

 

he’d make me stumble

make me stutter,

and feel so foolishly

 

 

in love.

-r

poetic//1

 

this heart of mine is closed

come back when it opens

when that will be

no one knows

 

-r

 

mylifeas:a//lovesong

So it seems my current love woes all seem to be in a love song of some sort. Boo. I don’t like it.

I haven’t been this nervous about a guy in forevvvvver if at all. It’s getting pretty rediculous to be honest. One day I will be confident and pumped and so happy and excited; then the next day I am so afraid, second guessing my judgement, trying to steer away from having to see him. Ahh!

Why am I so afraid? I don’t know. I can’t break this wall I have up. I keep thinking about it and I can’t figure it out. Like why do I keep going from liking him ‘oh-so-much’ to straight, dislike– ‘how could I think I actually liked him’. I constantly am looking at the pros and cons and trying to just add them up in hope that one side will just win by a landslide and then my brain won’t be so confused. Oy.

This issue I have makes me nervous I may never have love until I can figure out what is stopping me from having it. I don’t want to be some hag. ew.

This all hit me out of nowhere. One day I had a boyfriend who lived back home and we were together for about a year and half and then he decides to move down here near me/potentially with me.. and we go apt. shopping with his broker and I was in love and happy— then SNAP. Gonzo. Everything I felt dissapeared. What happened? I know I got scared, but I also know it’s not like I had to move in with him either; but yet I still had a breakdown and we broke up. He’s still moving down here which won’t make this any easier. I still love him, though now there is more of a barrier than before. That’s like taking 2 steps backwards. wtf. It’s frustrating because it’s like we broke up because I didn’t know what I wanted, not because he was awful or whatnot. So I feel bad, like I’m leading him on, or whatever. 100% suckage. grr.

 –r