and.the.wall.just.gets.bigger

So last night, I lost a personal war. I lost my chance. I was given an ultimatum.

What a punch in the stomach.

I had never met anyone quite like him. Everything was different with him. It was so much harder for me to let him [get close]. I don’t know why.

It’s not that I didn’t want to be with him, because all I wanted to do is say ‘yes, I want to be with you’ but I knew if I had done so as to not lose him, it would be unfair. I’m just not ready. My heart hurts.

Sometimes I get this rush that I can do it, I can be open, be vulnerable, wear zero makeup, sleep over, just do it all– then I crash and I become terrified. I can’t quite figure out how I could be this extreme towards someone whom is probably the best person I have ever met in my life. Why is it that with lesser people, I can be all the things I can’t be with him.

I know part of it is poor self-esteem and insecurities up the wazoo. Like he’s on such a high level, and I am near the bottom. I know it’s all in my head, but if I can realize this myself, why can’t I change?

We weren’t even together, but the whole ultimatum of answer yes or no Now, and me having to say no, feels like a type of breakup. Everyday I thought I would come around, maybe today, maybe tomorrow. By the time I do, it is already too late.

My fear is consuming me. The fear I’ve written about in the past. Fear of being alone. what if I can’t have love because for some reason I won’t allow myself to have it. I can’t bring down this wall. I’m a prisoner.

I feel crazy.

Now my attempt to not think of him more than my heart beats 

-r

sooo//what2do0nmy21st

You want to be like Kate Moss??

 

BE YOURSELF!

ps. I’m tired and it’s my 21st. I don’t know what to drink to celebrate. Meh.

-r

theBig-two/one

So ew. I turn 21 Friday. ew ew ew.

All I feel is over the hill already. I used to be called ‘Old Lady’ back home because all I did was wear pearls, have aches and pains, drink tea, didn’t party, hang out with older people, watch Oprah, and use anti-aging soap wash. Ha, I was 18 at that time.

I don’t want to do the typical get drunk on your 21st, and go out and about being all crazy. I just want a nice dinner and not making it about me. I don’t feel this is what I will get even though this is what I have expressed for the longest time. Oh well. I know I’ll get over it when it’s done and overwith. [fingers crossed] I can’t imagen how I’ll be when I’m in my thirties– yikes.

I also have to get a new license now. My current one expires this month. Ahh, I hate the DMV.

I want so much to be Peter Pan. 19 was my prime. Oh such a fabulous age. Turning twenty was devastating as well, no more teen at the end of my age.

I’m also convinced I have Early Onsetting Alzheimer’s Disease. It does run in my family. My memory is of a 56 year old. Perhaps worse.

So boo to my birthday. I just hope I get to eat something deliciously chocolate. chya.

-r

lalala/language.speak

Hey hey,

So I am Italian, Irish, and Chinese.

My mother grew up in Thailand, so she speaks Thai.

My father was forced to take French in school, so he too is bilingual.

Guess how many languages I can speak? Uno. One. English.

Yea, it’s really awesome. Both parents failed to teach my younger brother and sister and myself these two languages. Boo. I don’t know how long I shall resent them for that minor detail..

My father refused to help me with French when I was in school trying to take courses in it. He said French was a waste of time and that I should spend my time learning Spanish. Living in NY these days, I wish I had–IN addition to French. Grr. I love different languages, especially French. +If only I was taught Thai, then I would have been able to converse with half of my mother’s side of the family when we went to Thailand for a month. Yea, it was rather embarrassing when my two cousins who are like, 14 and 15 can speak almost 4 languages. Granted they reside in Sweden so you’re kind of forced to learn massive amounts of lovely things.

I have French cds but, come on. I have a hard time remembering unless it’s repetitive + actually speaking with someone rather than in my head or by myself.

I also wish I spoke Spanish. 55% of my coworkers speak it. double you tee eff.

-r