cutmythroat.

I am seriously a solid 66% fucked. I am dejavuing. but worse.

My heart has gone elsewhere again, while being in love with another. ughh. Except this time, my love isn’t long distance, so what is the problem? The current pressures of seriousness or am I just ridiculous and a complete dude. Wandering eye. I was happy before I met this guy. Content? Perhaps. Now my world is shaken up like a silly margarita.

I cant choose. Bad boy or good guy. wWat do I want. fun? or simplicity. Do I leave my love to enjoy my young age or do I stick it out?

Take a break? or is that an excuse to do what I couldn’t with a boyfriend.

 

gag me. ugh.

 

-r

dejafuckingvu

OK. so. I’m in that great relationship right? ok, well. I’m stressed all over again. [Pressure.] He wants me to move in and it hasn’t even been a year and I don’t do that shit and hes talking about our future and shit and I’m only 22 and I cant have my future set already! gahhh!

So I also met a delicious young man. I might die. He is waaaay too cute, yet incredibly sexy. I cannot takkke ittt. gahd. Here’s my situation in a nutshell:

He knows I have a bf but is still pursuing me and doesn’t care if I cheat. His response was that ‘I know what I want and i should stop lying to myself’ since I really cant resist. he has a part I’ve lacked in many relationships. but perhaps I wanted what I wanted in a form of fantasy, not real life. What I mean is he is rather, rough.  a g g r e s s i v e . That to me is slightly tantalizing and just plain hot, I cant help myself as hard as I try to repel.

But in the long run, will this suffice? I don’t know. My current love is great. will do anything for me. understands me, doesn’t get mad at me, lets me get angry and complain. but there were no butterflies. In the beginning I didn’t even want to have a relationship. I just wanted to be friends. That’s it. I kept telling him no. And somehow, I gave in. Convinced myself otherwise. Perhaps it isn’t meant to be.

I dont know. torn.

 

-r

holycrap.

ugh. so my boyfriend of 7 months is renovating his now owned park ave apartment. he has asked me to help him find the furniture and blahblahblah. like my opinion matters. welll apparently it does! hes saying its our home. its for the future. shit son. seriously. joint accounts, picking wood floor shades, couches, rugs, yaddayadda. im feelin that slight anxiety blowupinmyfaceshithittingthefan feeling.

fuck. what is a girl to do.

weird thing is id pay less than i do right now. i pay about 600- not including electric and agua nonsense in bushwick. So id be saving $ and living in the city again. [yay] also i dont know how i feel about his parents paying like, 2/3rds of the mortgage. its like mommy and daddy are taking care of shit. like giving him a bmw, now they agreed to pay for his insurance since he now cant afford it since he has to pay rent now with his little paycheck. he is turning 25 next month, wtf. grow up. pay for your own shit.

other than that, hes exquisite.

the most random sidenote/feeling: pinche twitter. gahd.

 

-r