abandonment, shmabandonment.

I can try to think back and the only person who ever abandoned me and my siblings was my mother. I knew why she had to. I understood.. eventually. My father was controlling and isolating, to say the least. Had cut her off from any sort of socialization.

I get it.

Perhaps it’s the residing anger I have for her leaving us with the wolf to fend for ourselves. Forcing me to be more of a mother figure than I already was when she was gone. Trying to keep it together, for myself and little siblings. Trying to anticipate my fathers needs before he blew up.

I get it.

So why am I suffering from abandonment caused by men. Men who said they loved me. Leaving me for another continent. Saying the hardest thing about leaving, was leaving me. Men who I know aren’t the one for me. But yet, my heart literally feels like it’s ripping apart in all directions. Causing me to go into emotional rages.

I don’t recall getting this upset when one of my best friends moved back home.. Perhaps it’s because she wasn’t moving to France.. so far away.

Maybe it’s the fact that they stress so much how much they love you and how hard it is to leave you and that they don’t want to leave you and blahblahblah, and then they do. They leave. They leave you to crumble while your heart has mini heart attacks when you see something that reminds you of them. Hearing a song, passing That park, watching That show. Seeing someone else wear the same shoes they wear. A constant reminder. A constant pain. And to know, they are so busy with having the time of their lives, a new experience. And they probably aren’t thinking about you. And if they are, They aren’t sad. They have this false hope that you’re fine. Because they want you to be fine. They don’t want to be the reason you’re on antidepressants now. They don’t want to have this girl they know now turn crazed. They don’t want the blame.

I get it.

severing the love addiction

Cut Off, Take 7!

I gave the same speech but in a different way yesterday. How I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep living in this fantasy where that if we pretend everything’s alright, they will be if as long as we hold on tight to empty promises. When the harsh reality is, if and when he comes back, it probably won’t be to me. And that my friends, is a good thing. He, is no good for me. *sever*

He said he needed me the most right now. Well I need This more than you need me. I’m on meds for crying out loud. Because of this. Of him. I still don’t buy how I’m the “closest” person to him, among his friends and family. I’m just a girl who happened to walk through your work and happened to have a question which led to conversation and me pulling you out of a black hole. That’s the only thing I can think of which would qualify me as That important.

So I had to take a xanax and all that did was make me wanna pass out. I still had the anxiety mind you. This will be brought up at the next appointment. I need a better solution. Can’t be having panic attacks and falling asleep at the job. Unprofessional.

So this is day 2 of the severing project. Let’s see how long this will last. I think the longest we went without talking but he still sent me messages was 2 months give or take. I need more than 2 months.

to: j; love, b

“So be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another persons body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings“
-Elizabeth Gilbert.

I read this last week and it clicked. She talks about how all her life, shed been from 1 relationship to the next without any space in between. After evan and I didn’t work out as I had hoped so much we would, I was single for 8 months; so unhappy so sad, what was wrong with me why wasn’t I dating why wasn’t I putting myself out there and then charlie picked me up, and I didn’t even want it, which should have been the first red flag among many others.. but I think part of my head said red flag, red flag, then the other side said, beck you need this so bad, you’ve been so depressed maybe this will help. And I did what I’ve always done and went with it. And then there was you.

I feel like if you’re still sad/bitter about a person/relationship.. you’re not over it. And I’m still bitter towards evan. He hurt me so badly. And now I’m sad about you and now charlie. So I have now accumulated 3 people I’ve loved that I’m sad over Because it’s  o v e r .

It’s not to say I havnt truly loved everyone I’ve come across, because I have. Just because I might use a relationship to feel not as empty and loved doesn’t mean I was faking it.

This whole france thing with you has brought me to the brink of complete mental collapse. And that’s why I’ve now taken up therapy. I’ve been so good at pushing everything aside and into archive. And this just made all the documents get lost in a whirlwind that I can no longer control. My anxiety has taken my body as a permanent resident. And it’s not all your fault, so please don’t feel that way.

I used to say, this is just who I am. Like how I don’t smile all the time like everyone can on a “normal” basis, I mean, the fact I always look angry or whatever.. but I realize its because I have been angry. Angry at my father, my brother my grandparents any other family member, old best friends, my bosses in my life, my job, the guy who shoved past me on the subway.. it goes on.

I have so much to deal with and I hope to come out so much better, welcoming, happier, more trusting, less paranoid, sleep better, more motivated, less scared.

That’s all I’ve come up with, we’ll see if doc agrees.

yaddayadda..yadda

I might like him. a little. a tad. a smidgen. grr.

but I think it’s for the wrong reasons.

The obvious wrong reasons.

I’ve been single for so long, I crave attention right now, it feels good to have someone who wants to be with you, do anything for you, listen to you, say how wonderful you are, make plans together, cook together, hold hands, get picked up in a BMW doesn’t hurt, or the fact that he has deep pockets, and gives me what I need sexually. Fuck. I am doomed.

I even find myself missing him sometimes. And my other fear is that a] I could fall in love because I have the tendency to do so more so with personality vs. looks. Looks I can overcome for the most part if personality is beyond stellar; b] I will find someone who Really gives me the ‘butterflies, omg I am so nervous for the first 2 months, checking my text messages every 3 seconds and his facebook every 7 seconds’, and then I will have to break the other fellow’s heart to follow mine, because this is someone who I get to chase and want from the beginning.

Did that make any sense?

Terrible. I am a bad lady.

ps. we’re spending xmas together.

 

-r

heartOFzeeMATTER

 

M: “you can say anything to me”

D: “i wanna marry you
i wanna have kids with you
i wanna build a house
i wanna settle down and grow old
i wanna die when im 110 years old in your arms
i dont want 48 uninterrupted hrs, i want a lifetime
do you see what happens?
i say things like that and you fight the urge to run the opposite direction.
its ok, i understand, i didnt, now i know, i do. youre just getting started and ive been doing this for a long time. deep down, youre still an intern and youre not ready”

M: “im not ready right now, things could stay the way they are and i can get ready, ill get ready.”

D: “things cant stay the way they are.
we can still meet in the elevator, the on call room, and maybe youll be ready. and ill wait, ill wait until youre ready.”

M: “ok then.”

D: “yea but if, what if while im waiting i meet someone who is ready to give me what i want from you?”

M: “and what if you do..”

D: “i dont know.”

 
greysanatomy|heartofthematter

 

-r

eeeeeeeeeeek//

OH man.

So I had plans last night. A friend’s birthday party in Queens, and a guy who wanted to get drinks in LES..

But what did I do? I went to my ex’s instead. He invited me and I couldn’t resist. Like I don’t know if he’s using me or is taking advantage of the fact that we’re doing the “casual sex” thing, but shit, it feels good to go over. He even said we could just hang out because he enjoys my company, so there was less pressure I suppose.

He was wonderful. Wanted to give me kisses, cuddle and play. And if felt– amazing to get that after so long. Who knows what his intentions were. He said he’s missed hanging out with me and yaddayadda. Perhaps he’s feeding me lines that he knows I want to hear. Either way, it feels good right now. I’ve felt so down, and I don’t think it can hurt to feel good even if it won’t be forever. We’re not exclusive, so it’s like I know we’re not together but the attention he gave me was just what I needed..

Then we got hooters wings and ate them at home.. My first time ever eating those. Unfortunately the walk home was about 10-15 minutes so when we arrived back at his place they were not crispy. I suppose we could have pooped them in the oven,  but eh. 

And then I stayed over. It was late and my commute home is about an hour+/he asked me if I wanted to.. He even cuddled with me in bed which hadn’t been happening before when we had issues.. so it was fucking awesome.

I am just trying to make sure I keep within boundaries and don’t act like a gf. Just visiting.

 

-r

fleeting\\

Relationships are funny aren’t they?

One minute you’re with someone for however long, everything just makes sense, your promises to each other, the plans you planned together, saying I love yous. Next week they’ve dimissed the experience, and are with someone else; perhaps telling them the same things. So did they really love you?

Why did we break up? What is love anyway, and is it really that fleeting?

 

-r

sexW/anX

Is it ever a good idea to have sex with an ex?

I googled this question the other night and surprisingly enough, most of the responses were, ‘yeah, it’s ok to have sex with an ex–’ But then they had this list of questions to ask yourself before you do it etcetcetc.

So I did it [notthelist].. and boy did it feel good.

Perhaps it only felt good because it had been awhile. At first it was slightly awkward given the way things had ‘ended’. But then he finally after much chitchat made the first move. Damn. It was good sex with an ex. He’s the only ex I’d do it with. I can’t wait for the next rendezvous. I just hope we don’t fuck this up.

Just need to keep my feelings/emotions out of it. Which if you have kept up with me, it’s going to be a challenge.

I will say though; I got a tad teary when he was asking me if I missed him and blahblahblah. I was like, ‘keep it together, be smooth, don’t be 100% honest. He just wants to hear that you’ve missed him and all that bullshit to feel good.’ Fuck that. I won’t give in, as much as I hate lying. I will not look pathetic or seem needy.

Be strong. Breathe.

 

-r

sincewhenareyouintothat

Listen to this.

The boy I was trying to make things work with, well it’s been “over” for a bit now. His birthday was the 24th this month. I know when his birthday is ok? I simply have had other things on my mind like, why doesn’t he want to be with me, and how do I stop crying over him, or I can’t sleep and end up trying to find something to distract me so I don’t think about him. So his birthday wasn’t exactly at the top of my list.

What happenes is, I call him up and say the jig is up, I am no longer trying to pressure him or anything, I dont expect anything anymore. I just want to be friends and be able to hang out like before. So lets just forget about this shit. And he agrees and says he was never mad and blahblahblah. And I am happy, for the first time and very temporarily.

He then brings up the fact that I forgot his birthday. Says ‘that’s fucked up’, that we pretty much dated for 2 years and his birthday is like our anniversary. Like I am sorry, and by sorry I mean not sorry because this is the guy who HATES BIRTHDAYS. Doesn’t celebrate them, is depressed, doesn’t like them period. Now he’s getting in my grill about me forgetting?? Said, ‘It’s doesn’t exactly help you out right now’. As in, since we’re in a tough situation relationship-wise, I didn’t score points for forgetting? Wow. I should add that to my list of things to look for in a person.

He goes, I’m not trying to be an asshole, I don’t mean to make you feel bad. Fuck that. You made an effort to get your point across. I get it. Fuck off.

Not only did I have other shit on my mind, it’s like he knows I have the Worst memory ever. Ever. He knows this. Plus, What was I suppose to do? Hey we’re at an awakward stage where you probably don’t want me but hey happy birthday heres a gift, lets go out blahblahblah. I know I could have said a simple happy birthday but shit man.

Then I ask ‘Well I can take you out this weekend?’ He goes, ‘well.. well, Im golfing Saturday with my friend and I don’t want to go out friday night, because I have to get up for golf Saturday, and I think I’m busy Saturday..’

I’m like, ok, you can’t get drinks Saturday night? and he’s like, ‘well, I mean. yea ok ok ok, yea we can.’ Like fuck that.

Kicker is, he did go out friday night. Son of a B. I mean I’ve had a full schedule this weekend anyway, I made sure of that, so it’s whatever but that’s a shitty move man.

 

-r

 

BLAHBLAHBLAHiknow

Oh woe is me. Well, not really. I’ve come to the realization that once you’ve ended a relationship, all break-ups are the same after that. They all suck–no matter what. I was trying to think back from when the last break up was, or when I felt this terrible over someone.. and its been years man.

It’s so strange that someone can wake up one day and just not want to be with you anymore. Whether they have reasons or not, it’s loco. Because then the one you now longer desire is left wondering, ‘whats wrong with me? what didn’t they like?” And they tend to criticize everything about themselves and feel bad.

 

As I did. I instantly turned up my workout and changed my eating habits. I felt fat. That ended up being the first bad feeling because he used to tease me about my little ‘love handles’.. can I just say I am about 5’3 112 lbs..? Yeah I’m sorry but theres gotta be a weight limit where guys can’t be saying shit like that/not EVER.

 

I am an itelligent woman, I know I am not fat or ugly or whatever. But you can’t help from feeling a bit bad. You just can’t. I admit, I can be cold, but shit, I have feelings man.

 

So I am trying to focus on a few things to get myself over him. Remember he doesn’t want me. At all. Also, I can meet people who are attractive and smart and fun. There isn’t just one guy who has those things. I can focus on other things now. Work, running, baking, friends,being happy by myself, everything.

I actually just moved so fresh start. New beginning.

 

L e t   g o .  

-r