severing the love addiction

Cut Off, Take 7!

I gave the same speech but in a different way yesterday. How I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep living in this fantasy where that if we pretend everything’s alright, they will be if as long as we hold on tight to empty promises. When the harsh reality is, if and when he comes back, it probably won’t be to me. And that my friends, is a good thing. He, is no good for me. *sever*

He said he needed me the most right now. Well I need This more than you need me. I’m on meds for crying out loud. Because of this. Of him. I still don’t buy how I’m the “closest” person to him, among his friends and family. I’m just a girl who happened to walk through your work and happened to have a question which led to conversation and me pulling you out of a black hole. That’s the only thing I can think of which would qualify me as That important.

So I had to take a xanax and all that did was make me wanna pass out. I still had the anxiety mind you. This will be brought up at the next appointment. I need a better solution. Can’t be having panic attacks and falling asleep at the job. Unprofessional.

So this is day 2 of the severing project. Let’s see how long this will last. I think the longest we went without talking but he still sent me messages was 2 months give or take. I need more than 2 months.

itsbeenawhile..

things to update you on:

my work schedule changed. boooo/yaay

trust fund baby and I finally hung out to plan our yearlong trip around the world and then ate at morimoto and saw the man himself cooking..

me and the ex are finally final. im 99% sure [more on that on another day]

ive finally gone off the radar again in terms of going out and partying/drinking. oy vey.

me and ron burgandy are talking again.

we’re finally changing the dessert menu.

me and sun are already planning our thanksgiving menu.

been looking for a 2nd job.

i cant remember anything else right now.

xo

 

-r

eeeeeeeeeeek//

OH man.

So I had plans last night. A friend’s birthday party in Queens, and a guy who wanted to get drinks in LES..

But what did I do? I went to my ex’s instead. He invited me and I couldn’t resist. Like I don’t know if he’s using me or is taking advantage of the fact that we’re doing the “casual sex” thing, but shit, it feels good to go over. He even said we could just hang out because he enjoys my company, so there was less pressure I suppose.

He was wonderful. Wanted to give me kisses, cuddle and play. And if felt– amazing to get that after so long. Who knows what his intentions were. He said he’s missed hanging out with me and yaddayadda. Perhaps he’s feeding me lines that he knows I want to hear. Either way, it feels good right now. I’ve felt so down, and I don’t think it can hurt to feel good even if it won’t be forever. We’re not exclusive, so it’s like I know we’re not together but the attention he gave me was just what I needed..

Then we got hooters wings and ate them at home.. My first time ever eating those. Unfortunately the walk home was about 10-15 minutes so when we arrived back at his place they were not crispy. I suppose we could have pooped them in the oven,  but eh. 

And then I stayed over. It was late and my commute home is about an hour+/he asked me if I wanted to.. He even cuddled with me in bed which hadn’t been happening before when we had issues.. so it was fucking awesome.

I am just trying to make sure I keep within boundaries and don’t act like a gf. Just visiting.

 

-r

sexW/anX

Is it ever a good idea to have sex with an ex?

I googled this question the other night and surprisingly enough, most of the responses were, ‘yeah, it’s ok to have sex with an ex–’ But then they had this list of questions to ask yourself before you do it etcetcetc.

So I did it [notthelist].. and boy did it feel good.

Perhaps it only felt good because it had been awhile. At first it was slightly awkward given the way things had ‘ended’. But then he finally after much chitchat made the first move. Damn. It was good sex with an ex. He’s the only ex I’d do it with. I can’t wait for the next rendezvous. I just hope we don’t fuck this up.

Just need to keep my feelings/emotions out of it. Which if you have kept up with me, it’s going to be a challenge.

I will say though; I got a tad teary when he was asking me if I missed him and blahblahblah. I was like, ‘keep it together, be smooth, don’t be 100% honest. He just wants to hear that you’ve missed him and all that bullshit to feel good.’ Fuck that. I won’t give in, as much as I hate lying. I will not look pathetic or seem needy.

Be strong. Breathe.

 

-r

sincewhenareyouintothat

Listen to this.

The boy I was trying to make things work with, well it’s been “over” for a bit now. His birthday was the 24th this month. I know when his birthday is ok? I simply have had other things on my mind like, why doesn’t he want to be with me, and how do I stop crying over him, or I can’t sleep and end up trying to find something to distract me so I don’t think about him. So his birthday wasn’t exactly at the top of my list.

What happenes is, I call him up and say the jig is up, I am no longer trying to pressure him or anything, I dont expect anything anymore. I just want to be friends and be able to hang out like before. So lets just forget about this shit. And he agrees and says he was never mad and blahblahblah. And I am happy, for the first time and very temporarily.

He then brings up the fact that I forgot his birthday. Says ‘that’s fucked up’, that we pretty much dated for 2 years and his birthday is like our anniversary. Like I am sorry, and by sorry I mean not sorry because this is the guy who HATES BIRTHDAYS. Doesn’t celebrate them, is depressed, doesn’t like them period. Now he’s getting in my grill about me forgetting?? Said, ‘It’s doesn’t exactly help you out right now’. As in, since we’re in a tough situation relationship-wise, I didn’t score points for forgetting? Wow. I should add that to my list of things to look for in a person.

He goes, I’m not trying to be an asshole, I don’t mean to make you feel bad. Fuck that. You made an effort to get your point across. I get it. Fuck off.

Not only did I have other shit on my mind, it’s like he knows I have the Worst memory ever. Ever. He knows this. Plus, What was I suppose to do? Hey we’re at an awakward stage where you probably don’t want me but hey happy birthday heres a gift, lets go out blahblahblah. I know I could have said a simple happy birthday but shit man.

Then I ask ‘Well I can take you out this weekend?’ He goes, ‘well.. well, Im golfing Saturday with my friend and I don’t want to go out friday night, because I have to get up for golf Saturday, and I think I’m busy Saturday..’

I’m like, ok, you can’t get drinks Saturday night? and he’s like, ‘well, I mean. yea ok ok ok, yea we can.’ Like fuck that.

Kicker is, he did go out friday night. Son of a B. I mean I’ve had a full schedule this weekend anyway, I made sure of that, so it’s whatever but that’s a shitty move man.

 

-r

 

BLAHBLAHBLAHiknow

Oh woe is me. Well, not really. I’ve come to the realization that once you’ve ended a relationship, all break-ups are the same after that. They all suck–no matter what. I was trying to think back from when the last break up was, or when I felt this terrible over someone.. and its been years man.

It’s so strange that someone can wake up one day and just not want to be with you anymore. Whether they have reasons or not, it’s loco. Because then the one you now longer desire is left wondering, ‘whats wrong with me? what didn’t they like?” And they tend to criticize everything about themselves and feel bad.

 

As I did. I instantly turned up my workout and changed my eating habits. I felt fat. That ended up being the first bad feeling because he used to tease me about my little ‘love handles’.. can I just say I am about 5’3 112 lbs..? Yeah I’m sorry but theres gotta be a weight limit where guys can’t be saying shit like that/not EVER.

 

I am an itelligent woman, I know I am not fat or ugly or whatever. But you can’t help from feeling a bit bad. You just can’t. I admit, I can be cold, but shit, I have feelings man.

 

So I am trying to focus on a few things to get myself over him. Remember he doesn’t want me. At all. Also, I can meet people who are attractive and smart and fun. There isn’t just one guy who has those things. I can focus on other things now. Work, running, baking, friends,being happy by myself, everything.

I actually just moved so fresh start. New beginning.

 

L e t   g o .  

-r

my<3hurts

I am just laying here.. i can’t sleep without thinking of him. I can’t sleep without feeling the pain–knowing he doesn’t want me anymore.

no more. nomas. finito.

 

I never saw this coming. I would have never believed it if someone told me the future was this. The fucking heart ache man. I haven’t felt this in years.

I know I’m young. I know I can find someone else. But the truth is I just don’t want to. I don’t want anyone else. Even if they were amazing and such, My heart is his. But he doesn’t even want it. Not one bit.

 

It’s effecting my life. I am a sad little lady all the time. I just want him to call me, text me, email me. Something. I’m dying here. I want so much to talk to him if i can’t see him. His mouth. His voice. How he bites his nails. His dark eyes. Hearing about his day. His cooking. His red couch. His toothbrush. His smile. His lower lip. His shoe collection. His veiny arms. His bedsheets. His 5 oclock shadow.

 

My heart area literally aches.

I need distraction for the rest of my life.

 

-r

soYoucatchYour[loved1]onMatch.com

I thought I was going to pass out. I got that feeling like your worst suspicions had just been confirmed. I started shaking, my hands didn’t stop shaking for the next 8 hours–I was so beside myself. I couldn’t breathe.

I asked Him, ‘can you explain to me why you’re on match.com’

he came up with, ‘I clicked on the ad pop up when i was on aim’

‘but I went to delete it because I clicked on a popup’

 

okay, doesn’t make sense right? In addition to this–I found 2 separate messages from girls statingg that they had plans with him this weekend. One on Friday, one on Saturday. He denied he had plans with girls. Perhaps they are guys with girl names eh?

I felt so sick to my stomach all day. I gave him so many chances to just tell the truth. Either I am very crazy or he is such a good/bad liar. I am <3broken. I wish it were all a dream. I don’t trust him. Even if I was wrong about this, I still don’t feel right about it.  I was trying my best to make an effort in this relationship. Apparently, I lack something that causes him to go find it elsewhere.

 

I don’t want to date again..

 

‘If birds flying south is a sign of changes
At least you can predict this every year.

Love, you never know the minute it ends suddenly
I can’t get it to speak
Maybe finding all the things it took to save us
I could fix the pain that bleeds inside of me
Look in your eyes to see something about me
I’m standing on the edge

and I don’t know what else to give’

 

-r

 

theBestdescription//of<3break

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.

You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. [Love takes hostages].

It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.

It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

I hate love.

-neilGaiman

 

–r

 

seeingYourex’s[fat&ugly]gf/bf

I don’t find the relief in seeing an ex with someone who is fat and/or ugly. I can understand if they leave me for someone hot. Anyone could.

What I can’t understand is if they leave me for someone worse. Yes, they have lowered their standards perhaps… [not to sound full of myself or to judge other's tastes, but you know we all think this way, its only natural.] But it’s just like, hi, you left me for her?/him and then I would begin to wonder what in the whole wide world did they have that I didn’t. I was lovely and you had me.

Boggles my mind.

It’s like being given a bmw, but you trade it in for a taurus. no offense to taurus drivers. Like come on. And it’s even worse to me, if they go to that level and then come back for you, its like no way José. But we can’t help it sometimes when they do come back to us from the fugly, you feel as if you’ve won.  

 

B u t   y o u   h a v e n ‘ t .

 

-r