abandonment, shmabandonment.

I can try to think back and the only person who ever abandoned me and my siblings was my mother. I knew why she had to. I understood.. eventually. My father was controlling and isolating, to say the least. Had cut her off from any sort of socialization.

I get it.

Perhaps it’s the residing anger I have for her leaving us with the wolf to fend for ourselves. Forcing me to be more of a mother figure than I already was when she was gone. Trying to keep it together, for myself and little siblings. Trying to anticipate my fathers needs before he blew up.

I get it.

So why am I suffering from abandonment caused by men. Men who said they loved me. Leaving me for another continent. Saying the hardest thing about leaving, was leaving me. Men who I know aren’t the one for me. But yet, my heart literally feels like it’s ripping apart in all directions. Causing me to go into emotional rages.

I don’t recall getting this upset when one of my best friends moved back home.. Perhaps it’s because she wasn’t moving to France.. so far away.

Maybe it’s the fact that they stress so much how much they love you and how hard it is to leave you and that they don’t want to leave you and blahblahblah, and then they do. They leave. They leave you to crumble while your heart has mini heart attacks when you see something that reminds you of them. Hearing a song, passing That park, watching That show. Seeing someone else wear the same shoes they wear. A constant reminder. A constant pain. And to know, they are so busy with having the time of their lives, a new experience. And they probably aren’t thinking about you. And if they are, They aren’t sad. They have this false hope that you’re fine. Because they want you to be fine. They don’t want to be the reason you’re on antidepressants now. They don’t want to have this girl they know now turn crazed. They don’t want the blame.

I get it.

severing the love addiction

Cut Off, Take 7!

I gave the same speech but in a different way yesterday. How I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep living in this fantasy where that if we pretend everything’s alright, they will be if as long as we hold on tight to empty promises. When the harsh reality is, if and when he comes back, it probably won’t be to me. And that my friends, is a good thing. He, is no good for me. *sever*

He said he needed me the most right now. Well I need This more than you need me. I’m on meds for crying out loud. Because of this. Of him. I still don’t buy how I’m the “closest” person to him, among his friends and family. I’m just a girl who happened to walk through your work and happened to have a question which led to conversation and me pulling you out of a black hole. That’s the only thing I can think of which would qualify me as That important.

So I had to take a xanax and all that did was make me wanna pass out. I still had the anxiety mind you. This will be brought up at the next appointment. I need a better solution. Can’t be having panic attacks and falling asleep at the job. Unprofessional.

So this is day 2 of the severing project. Let’s see how long this will last. I think the longest we went without talking but he still sent me messages was 2 months give or take. I need more than 2 months.

another one bites the dust..

What the hell is wrong with you people? You know so-and-so is in a relationship AND you’re leaving the country to work and you have to drop the L-bomb. Request that last sleepover, kiss, deep talk, nonsense. WHYYY?!

Either we were doing so well at being friends or we used to fight about bullshit like why we should or shouldn’t take it to the next level, but worked it out and now are good friends.. either way dude, you fucked it all up. Now, we’re back to square one or two.. I think square one would entail we’ve met and are getting to know each other, two would probably be when we start to make moves.. Whatever!

I don’t get it. Drives me nuts. This is exhausting. Thanks a lot. Now I have to meet up with you again and either act like it never happened, act like I “want” to talk about it or be straight up cold and say no, we’re not discussing this any further.

Bollocks.

OhitsBeen@while

I basically fell off the face of wordpress. Apologies. I have so much to write about.

But let’s start off with current events shorthand-style.

The boy I loved and left for the other boy who stole my heart? Well, I’m trying to make it work again but 2ndhand man is still stealing my heart. UGH. FAIL. He just reminds me of everything I want that I dont have from the other guy. They are pretty much opposites and it’s driving me Crazyloco. oy.

Work is crazy. I need to save my drama post for another day.  But. I will be going to LA for 4 days saturday am for Meals on Wheels event. I’m excited. I need a break from ny and the guys, but mostly work.

Been dealing with a bunch of health issues. UGH. I hate making appts, and blah and bills, and I DONT GET PAID ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH THIS.. damn. I’ve had my own personal health insurance for the past.. hmm 4 years? I just never wanted to be without it so when I knew I’d be working at my school for x-amount of time for classes, I didnt want to have a 3-4 month gap before I got it back again. So, every year I’m paying more and more for this shite and it is kinda fucking me over. I pay at least 176/mo This year… about over 2gs/year and they’re not covering shit. or theyre putting me at places in my network and then this fucking joints dont work with cooperating labs or whatnot. HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE? And I’m constantly fighting them via email, phone trying to find out why they didnt pay a %. I win and sometimes I dont.

GAHH.

-r

cutmythroat.

I am seriously a solid 66% fucked. I am dejavuing. but worse.

My heart has gone elsewhere again, while being in love with another. ughh. Except this time, my love isn’t long distance, so what is the problem? The current pressures of seriousness or am I just ridiculous and a complete dude. Wandering eye. I was happy before I met this guy. Content? Perhaps. Now my world is shaken up like a silly margarita.

I cant choose. Bad boy or good guy. wWat do I want. fun? or simplicity. Do I leave my love to enjoy my young age or do I stick it out?

Take a break? or is that an excuse to do what I couldn’t with a boyfriend.

 

gag me. ugh.

 

-r

dejafuckingvu

OK. so. I’m in that great relationship right? ok, well. I’m stressed all over again. [Pressure.] He wants me to move in and it hasn’t even been a year and I don’t do that shit and hes talking about our future and shit and I’m only 22 and I cant have my future set already! gahhh!

So I also met a delicious young man. I might die. He is waaaay too cute, yet incredibly sexy. I cannot takkke ittt. gahd. Here’s my situation in a nutshell:

He knows I have a bf but is still pursuing me and doesn’t care if I cheat. His response was that ‘I know what I want and i should stop lying to myself’ since I really cant resist. he has a part I’ve lacked in many relationships. but perhaps I wanted what I wanted in a form of fantasy, not real life. What I mean is he is rather, rough.  a g g r e s s i v e . That to me is slightly tantalizing and just plain hot, I cant help myself as hard as I try to repel.

But in the long run, will this suffice? I don’t know. My current love is great. will do anything for me. understands me, doesn’t get mad at me, lets me get angry and complain. but there were no butterflies. In the beginning I didn’t even want to have a relationship. I just wanted to be friends. That’s it. I kept telling him no. And somehow, I gave in. Convinced myself otherwise. Perhaps it isn’t meant to be.

I dont know. torn.

 

-r

arggWorkrelationshits.

My boyfriend whom I work with was being a cry baby today. I asked what was bothering him and  he denied anything was wrong, but once I left work he texted me how he felt and whatnot. Apparently when everyone comes into work [he's usually the 1st to come into the kitchen], I distance myself from him and become cold and tend to tease him in front of others. And that he can take the teasing but wasn’t sure if I enjoyed doing it. Like it was on purpose.  He said he felt that I was smiling and laughing more so with others than him. He wasn’t sure if it was just jealousy.

Oh, bollocks.

It’s probably true. I probably do tease him since I don’t want to act lovey-dovey in front of co workers, especially when we both haven’t confirmed their thoughts on our relationship. Sure he may pick me up from work and help me out and we may eat lunch together and yaddayaddyadda, doesn’t meant I’m going to just be like, ‘oh yeah, we are dating’ . No way jorge. They don’t need to know. They can assume all the want. They may think they are 99% sure, but its that 1% that I need.

I just don’t know whats wrong with me. I don’t know why I do what I do. And then I end up making him feel like an asshole about feeling bad about how he feels. Arg. I don’t want him to feel terrible, I don’t want to treat him that way. Insecurities? Stubbornness? Just-plain-bitch?

I don’t even know how to respond, all I said was, ‘you’re right’. And he is the sweetest ever. How could I make the one person who means the most to me feel this way?

f and a.

 

-r

WellThisIsAwkward.

So seriously, my apt has 3 bedrooms built in. All side by side down the hall. The walls appear to be paper-thin. Ive had a certain visitor over about 3-5x a week for the past 3 months. I think we underestimated the thickness of the walls and yeah, awkwarrddd.

I also think shes heard us talk dirty and other noised. UGHHHHHH. I want to magically disappear. or erase her memory. Goshdarnit. Why must she work at home and be home allllll the time. He’s in the process of buying an apt. Hopefully he gets it, because this is just getting ridiculous.

I guarantee she’s bitched about it to people whom I see on a weekly basis. eeeeek. fizzzUCK.

ooooXoooo

I saw my ex. ah. someone uppercut me please. thank you very mucho.

 

So I feel like an idiot for sure. He’s been doing that thing that boys do, they drop texts or whatevs to stay in your mind once you’ve slightly forgotten them and they make sure you don’t forget them. ARGG. So He was like, oh so can you hang out yet? And me being in this incredible relationship felt confident enough to say, Sure! You tell me when!

Well, to make a long story short, we end up grabbing dinner. I was so nervous. I didn’t know what to say or ask. I didn’t drink either so that didn’t help. He ended up doing most of the talking. It came of as show-off like and made me want to continue to keep my mouth shut. Things about flying to LA and going to Mardi gras for vacation and how all he did was drink and be a party boy. Not the guy I had originally met. It made me feel sick and not want to see him–at least not this season. He was the same yet not. I just kept thinking of how things used to be and how could an individual change so much after a relationship. I know it’s not uncommon but man, I don’t see the guy I used to know at all. He didn’t ask me any questions at all either. Obviously uninterested.

 

Awkward. He didn’t let me pay my portion of the dinner. I guess he still rememebers I made shit for money. He also texted me a happy birthday the next day. eh.

 

-r

ohtheTemptation

A few posts ago I wrote about the people we heart from afar–that was triggered my own experiences happening at that moment. Well my little lemon drops, mine just did it again.

Oh for the love of coffee, leave me alone por favor! He had texted me last week saying he was coming down to NY to meet a bunch of friends from Madrid or friends that had traveled with him to Madrid–whatever. I was short in my reply. Deeming uninterested. He was all like, oh I want to see you and I hope I see you and yabbadabbadoo.

Calls me last night at 3AM. I was on the other line with my love. I put him on hold. Let’s just backtrack a tad to give a back-story to me and putting people on hold for this guy..

One night it was probably 1 or 2AM, I was on the phone with my current love, at the time I was not interested in having any relationship other than friends and had no attraction. He was suppose to come over after work. The guy from afar calls and I put Love on hold–for a long time. Because the guy from afar didn’t call me often to just chat! I had to hold on to it. and I didn’t care that love was on the other line. Then I realized he was calling me while on the phone with guy from afar! Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. He must have called me 16x. So I put gfa [guy from afar] on hold and Love told me he wasn’t able to come over after all, he had just received a text from his brother that there was a family emergency and to go to LIsland. Perfect. I got back on the phone with gfa. end of that story.

..So I put love on hold and talked to gfa for 5 minutes. I cut it short for I was annoyed with him. Calling me to tell me information I already knew. Gimmie a break. And the fact he was coming down to see other friends but ditched our plans a few months back when he was suppose to come down to see me and the city? What the fuck was that none-sense. I was furious. I was in that same position I had always been in with him. Always putting me 2nd, 3rd, 4th, while he would confess his blahblahblah to me. UGH. The nerve. The game.

Secretly I am so pumped. I cannot wait to see him. I just hope nothing happens other then great fun without sexual-ness. Becausssee the last time we spoke on hot terms he was dropping hints like how he would love to be with me and how what if something goes on between us and how he would want that to happen and texting me to run away with him and  a l l   t h a t    b u l  l s h i t e .

Anyhow. I am exhausted from this subject. I shall update you on the visit.

ps. I finally got the G1. though I have some lovely rant saved up for that one..

  

-r