abandonment, shmabandonment.

I can try to think back and the only person who ever abandoned me and my siblings was my mother. I knew why she had to. I understood.. eventually. My father was controlling and isolating, to say the least. Had cut her off from any sort of socialization.

I get it.

Perhaps it’s the residing anger I have for her leaving us with the wolf to fend for ourselves. Forcing me to be more of a mother figure than I already was when she was gone. Trying to keep it together, for myself and little siblings. Trying to anticipate my fathers needs before he blew up.

I get it.

So why am I suffering from abandonment caused by men. Men who said they loved me. Leaving me for another continent. Saying the hardest thing about leaving, was leaving me. Men who I know aren’t the one for me. But yet, my heart literally feels like it’s ripping apart in all directions. Causing me to go into emotional rages.

I don’t recall getting this upset when one of my best friends moved back home.. Perhaps it’s because she wasn’t moving to France.. so far away.

Maybe it’s the fact that they stress so much how much they love you and how hard it is to leave you and that they don’t want to leave you and blahblahblah, and then they do. They leave. They leave you to crumble while your heart has mini heart attacks when you see something that reminds you of them. Hearing a song, passing That park, watching That show. Seeing someone else wear the same shoes they wear. A constant reminder. A constant pain. And to know, they are so busy with having the time of their lives, a new experience. And they probably aren’t thinking about you. And if they are, They aren’t sad. They have this false hope that you’re fine. Because they want you to be fine. They don’t want to be the reason you’re on antidepressants now. They don’t want to have this girl they know now turn crazed. They don’t want the blame.

I get it.

severing the love addiction

Cut Off, Take 7!

I gave the same speech but in a different way yesterday. How I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep living in this fantasy where that if we pretend everything’s alright, they will be if as long as we hold on tight to empty promises. When the harsh reality is, if and when he comes back, it probably won’t be to me. And that my friends, is a good thing. He, is no good for me. *sever*

He said he needed me the most right now. Well I need This more than you need me. I’m on meds for crying out loud. Because of this. Of him. I still don’t buy how I’m the “closest” person to him, among his friends and family. I’m just a girl who happened to walk through your work and happened to have a question which led to conversation and me pulling you out of a black hole. That’s the only thing I can think of which would qualify me as That important.

So I had to take a xanax and all that did was make me wanna pass out. I still had the anxiety mind you. This will be brought up at the next appointment. I need a better solution. Can’t be having panic attacks and falling asleep at the job. Unprofessional.

So this is day 2 of the severing project. Let’s see how long this will last. I think the longest we went without talking but he still sent me messages was 2 months give or take. I need more than 2 months.

love doesnt move to another continent.

Can someone move away from a person they love so much? If they do move, and take up a job.. does that mean they don’t want the relationship? They don’t really love you as much as they claimed? Does. Love. Move. Question Mark.

to: j; love, b

“So be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another persons body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings“
-Elizabeth Gilbert.

I read this last week and it clicked. She talks about how all her life, shed been from 1 relationship to the next without any space in between. After evan and I didn’t work out as I had hoped so much we would, I was single for 8 months; so unhappy so sad, what was wrong with me why wasn’t I dating why wasn’t I putting myself out there and then charlie picked me up, and I didn’t even want it, which should have been the first red flag among many others.. but I think part of my head said red flag, red flag, then the other side said, beck you need this so bad, you’ve been so depressed maybe this will help. And I did what I’ve always done and went with it. And then there was you.

I feel like if you’re still sad/bitter about a person/relationship.. you’re not over it. And I’m still bitter towards evan. He hurt me so badly. And now I’m sad about you and now charlie. So I have now accumulated 3 people I’ve loved that I’m sad over Because it’s  o v e r .

It’s not to say I havnt truly loved everyone I’ve come across, because I have. Just because I might use a relationship to feel not as empty and loved doesn’t mean I was faking it.

This whole france thing with you has brought me to the brink of complete mental collapse. And that’s why I’ve now taken up therapy. I’ve been so good at pushing everything aside and into archive. And this just made all the documents get lost in a whirlwind that I can no longer control. My anxiety has taken my body as a permanent resident. And it’s not all your fault, so please don’t feel that way.

I used to say, this is just who I am. Like how I don’t smile all the time like everyone can on a “normal” basis, I mean, the fact I always look angry or whatever.. but I realize its because I have been angry. Angry at my father, my brother my grandparents any other family member, old best friends, my bosses in my life, my job, the guy who shoved past me on the subway.. it goes on.

I have so much to deal with and I hope to come out so much better, welcoming, happier, more trusting, less paranoid, sleep better, more motivated, less scared.

That’s all I’ve come up with, we’ll see if doc agrees.

thetease

The tease is a delicate game.

There are so many out there where the male or female are tortured by another of great personality/looks and is constantly running after the carrot.

You get a text from them, they say lovely things that make you think, ‘OMG, omgomgomg!’ and you save all those texts or emails and re-read them everyday to be  reminded that the unrealistic, might turn to reality. *coughBULLcoughSHITcough* It’s hard, I know it. You need to delete that shit. They will lead you on and then  d i s s a p e a r .  Then you find out maybe a month later or so, oh, they’re in a relationship now, or they were always in a relationship, this equalling out to, they are a douchbag. But it doesn’t matter to you. You’re still in love them– from a distance, and always will be– from a distance.

The way one can survive tease magee, is to acknowledge the fact that your fantasy dream of you two being together or what have you, will NEVER happen. So many do not do this ,and end up being completely devastated, while the teaser is simply going on with life.

Either completely shut them down and end all forms of communication, or play their little game with confidence.

Hate this game.

 

-r

yaddayadda..yadda

I might like him. a little. a tad. a smidgen. grr.

but I think it’s for the wrong reasons.

The obvious wrong reasons.

I’ve been single for so long, I crave attention right now, it feels good to have someone who wants to be with you, do anything for you, listen to you, say how wonderful you are, make plans together, cook together, hold hands, get picked up in a BMW doesn’t hurt, or the fact that he has deep pockets, and gives me what I need sexually. Fuck. I am doomed.

I even find myself missing him sometimes. And my other fear is that a] I could fall in love because I have the tendency to do so more so with personality vs. looks. Looks I can overcome for the most part if personality is beyond stellar; b] I will find someone who Really gives me the ‘butterflies, omg I am so nervous for the first 2 months, checking my text messages every 3 seconds and his facebook every 7 seconds’, and then I will have to break the other fellow’s heart to follow mine, because this is someone who I get to chase and want from the beginning.

Did that make any sense?

Terrible. I am a bad lady.

ps. we’re spending xmas together.

 

-r

iloveyous&carcrashes

and so it all spilled out one night at work.

I was working service and he was off, we were texting each other about our day and such. Somehow it came up of how he was falling for me. How I couldn’t stop him from falling in love with me. Ohhhh lordy.

I insisted, no. It could never happen. I had rules and boundaries and insecurities and just NO. He didn’t seem to get it. I was freaking out. He then said he was meeting me after work to talk. I didn’t want to.

He showed up. I refused to get into his car. Finally did. He was very serious. Too serious–for my liking anyway. He was in love with me. He wouldn’t stop saying it. Every time he said the L word, I would cry. I don’t know why exactly. It was honestly, right out of a sitcom. He said all the sweet things. How he would never hurt me and said I was amazing and smart and talented and no one should have done me wrong and he would be different.  y a d d a y a d d a y a d d a

I got out of his car finally when he got me home. He begged me not to. I got out, he left the car on with the hazards blinking..

He kept blocking me from entering my apt. I was pushing and crying and couldn’t win. He would hold me by the shoulders and talk to me, telling me he loves me and couldn’t lose me. I was a bit scared. He wouldn’t let go.

He couldn’t lose me. Couldn’t live without me. ME. Little ol’ me. I had such an impact apparently. It seems I do with all the guys I’ve dated. [I wasn't even dating this guy] When people move too fast on me and do the mushy gushy I love yous, I detach. I peace out. I’m gone. I can’t get close so fast. Fuck no.

What did he end up doing when I finally got into my apt? Seems he drove his BMW so fast and wasn’t paying attention because he was crying and so distraught he crashed into another person and their car. Cars were towed and he started walking around the city, bought 3 6-packs of beer [this guy Doesn't drink.period] drank about 8 of them, drunk texting me, I am worried as can be; gets into a huge fight with his roommate, gets 0 sleep and goes into work devastated.

oy.

to be continued..

 

-r

.the.background2.the.Cr@ve//part1

I am still in absolute shock. Absolute fucking shock.
I have this friend at work, worked with him for about a year and never really had a conversation. Then one day I decide to go up to him and ask him what his goals are in life, being that no one at work knows anything about him. What does he plan to do after working here, where did he grow up, why this, and why that..

We end up forming a friendship. We found that we share one goal, and that’s to travel the world. We both don’t have anyone to travel with us, so we have then created that bond.

We hang out, play Super Mario, try new restaurants, walk around the city looking for new bakeries, cooking at my apartment. It’s good. I enjoy his company. I usually am friends with guys more so than girls.. so this is natural to me.

I fucked up one time because I let him stay in my bed, which led to some intense crave for each others affection. I personally got over it for the most part. I haven’t been this single  e v e r r r r r r , so I was feeling a bit lonely and he was the filler. Mind you, I was very up front about how I didn’t want a relationship and this was just play time.. and I figured that most guys would have appreciated that. Right or wrong? He replied, “I understand, that’s fine.”

It’s only been a month give or take that our friendship has taken form..

So what hit me last night turned my life upside down– went fucking right out of the ballpark.. and maybe into outer-space…..
more to continue.

-r

heartOFzeeMATTER

 

M: “you can say anything to me”

D: “i wanna marry you
i wanna have kids with you
i wanna build a house
i wanna settle down and grow old
i wanna die when im 110 years old in your arms
i dont want 48 uninterrupted hrs, i want a lifetime
do you see what happens?
i say things like that and you fight the urge to run the opposite direction.
its ok, i understand, i didnt, now i know, i do. youre just getting started and ive been doing this for a long time. deep down, youre still an intern and youre not ready”

M: “im not ready right now, things could stay the way they are and i can get ready, ill get ready.”

D: “things cant stay the way they are.
we can still meet in the elevator, the on call room, and maybe youll be ready. and ill wait, ill wait until youre ready.”

M: “ok then.”

D: “yea but if, what if while im waiting i meet someone who is ready to give me what i want from you?”

M: “and what if you do..”

D: “i dont know.”

 
greysanatomy|heartofthematter

 

-r

mansion

Anyone been to NY’s Mansion club?

So my ex is going there because he got a hook up through his buddy.. I hate how I feel jealous. There are just going to be servers in french maid outfits and everyone dressed slutty.. I hear it’s rediculous there. Over the top.

He then invited me saying I could meet them there if I wanted. Please, I have work tomorrow. Besides I dont own anything clubby to wear there. damn.

 

-r