thetease

The tease is a delicate game.

There are so many out there where the male or female are tortured by another of great personality/looks and is constantly running after the carrot.

You get a text from them, they say lovely things that make you think, ‘OMG, omgomgomg!’ and you save all those texts or emails and re-read them everyday to be  reminded that the unrealistic, might turn to reality. *coughBULLcoughSHITcough* It’s hard, I know it. You need to delete that shit. They will lead you on and then  d i s s a p e a r .  Then you find out maybe a month later or so, oh, they’re in a relationship now, or they were always in a relationship, this equalling out to, they are a douchbag. But it doesn’t matter to you. You’re still in love them– from a distance, and always will be– from a distance.

The way one can survive tease magee, is to acknowledge the fact that your fantasy dream of you two being together or what have you, will NEVER happen. So many do not do this ,and end up being completely devastated, while the teaser is simply going on with life.

Either completely shut them down and end all forms of communication, or play their little game with confidence.

Hate this game.

 

-r

yaddayadda..yadda

I might like him. a little. a tad. a smidgen. grr.

but I think it’s for the wrong reasons.

The obvious wrong reasons.

I’ve been single for so long, I crave attention right now, it feels good to have someone who wants to be with you, do anything for you, listen to you, say how wonderful you are, make plans together, cook together, hold hands, get picked up in a BMW doesn’t hurt, or the fact that he has deep pockets, and gives me what I need sexually. Fuck. I am doomed.

I even find myself missing him sometimes. And my other fear is that a] I could fall in love because I have the tendency to do so more so with personality vs. looks. Looks I can overcome for the most part if personality is beyond stellar; b] I will find someone who Really gives me the ‘butterflies, omg I am so nervous for the first 2 months, checking my text messages every 3 seconds and his facebook every 7 seconds’, and then I will have to break the other fellow’s heart to follow mine, because this is someone who I get to chase and want from the beginning.

Did that make any sense?

Terrible. I am a bad lady.

ps. we’re spending xmas together.

 

-r

iloveyous&carcrashes

and so it all spilled out one night at work.

I was working service and he was off, we were texting each other about our day and such. Somehow it came up of how he was falling for me. How I couldn’t stop him from falling in love with me. Ohhhh lordy.

I insisted, no. It could never happen. I had rules and boundaries and insecurities and just NO. He didn’t seem to get it. I was freaking out. He then said he was meeting me after work to talk. I didn’t want to.

He showed up. I refused to get into his car. Finally did. He was very serious. Too serious–for my liking anyway. He was in love with me. He wouldn’t stop saying it. Every time he said the L word, I would cry. I don’t know why exactly. It was honestly, right out of a sitcom. He said all the sweet things. How he would never hurt me and said I was amazing and smart and talented and no one should have done me wrong and he would be different.  y a d d a y a d d a y a d d a

I got out of his car finally when he got me home. He begged me not to. I got out, he left the car on with the hazards blinking..

He kept blocking me from entering my apt. I was pushing and crying and couldn’t win. He would hold me by the shoulders and talk to me, telling me he loves me and couldn’t lose me. I was a bit scared. He wouldn’t let go.

He couldn’t lose me. Couldn’t live without me. ME. Little ol’ me. I had such an impact apparently. It seems I do with all the guys I’ve dated. [I wasn't even dating this guy] When people move too fast on me and do the mushy gushy I love yous, I detach. I peace out. I’m gone. I can’t get close so fast. Fuck no.

What did he end up doing when I finally got into my apt? Seems he drove his BMW so fast and wasn’t paying attention because he was crying and so distraught he crashed into another person and their car. Cars were towed and he started walking around the city, bought 3 6-packs of beer [this guy Doesn't drink.period] drank about 8 of them, drunk texting me, I am worried as can be; gets into a huge fight with his roommate, gets 0 sleep and goes into work devastated.

oy.

to be continued..

 

-r

.the.background2.the.Cr@ve//part1

I am still in absolute shock. Absolute fucking shock.
I have this friend at work, worked with him for about a year and never really had a conversation. Then one day I decide to go up to him and ask him what his goals are in life, being that no one at work knows anything about him. What does he plan to do after working here, where did he grow up, why this, and why that..

We end up forming a friendship. We found that we share one goal, and that’s to travel the world. We both don’t have anyone to travel with us, so we have then created that bond.

We hang out, play Super Mario, try new restaurants, walk around the city looking for new bakeries, cooking at my apartment. It’s good. I enjoy his company. I usually am friends with guys more so than girls.. so this is natural to me.

I fucked up one time because I let him stay in my bed, which led to some intense crave for each others affection. I personally got over it for the most part. I haven’t been this single  e v e r r r r r r , so I was feeling a bit lonely and he was the filler. Mind you, I was very up front about how I didn’t want a relationship and this was just play time.. and I figured that most guys would have appreciated that. Right or wrong? He replied, “I understand, that’s fine.”

It’s only been a month give or take that our friendship has taken form..

So what hit me last night turned my life upside down– went fucking right out of the ballpark.. and maybe into outer-space…..
more to continue.

-r

heartOFzeeMATTER

 

M: “you can say anything to me”

D: “i wanna marry you
i wanna have kids with you
i wanna build a house
i wanna settle down and grow old
i wanna die when im 110 years old in your arms
i dont want 48 uninterrupted hrs, i want a lifetime
do you see what happens?
i say things like that and you fight the urge to run the opposite direction.
its ok, i understand, i didnt, now i know, i do. youre just getting started and ive been doing this for a long time. deep down, youre still an intern and youre not ready”

M: “im not ready right now, things could stay the way they are and i can get ready, ill get ready.”

D: “things cant stay the way they are.
we can still meet in the elevator, the on call room, and maybe youll be ready. and ill wait, ill wait until youre ready.”

M: “ok then.”

D: “yea but if, what if while im waiting i meet someone who is ready to give me what i want from you?”

M: “and what if you do..”

D: “i dont know.”

 
greysanatomy|heartofthematter

 

-r

mansion

Anyone been to NY’s Mansion club?

So my ex is going there because he got a hook up through his buddy.. I hate how I feel jealous. There are just going to be servers in french maid outfits and everyone dressed slutty.. I hear it’s rediculous there. Over the top.

He then invited me saying I could meet them there if I wanted. Please, I have work tomorrow. Besides I dont own anything clubby to wear there. damn.

 

-r

sexW/anX

Is it ever a good idea to have sex with an ex?

I googled this question the other night and surprisingly enough, most of the responses were, ‘yeah, it’s ok to have sex with an ex–’ But then they had this list of questions to ask yourself before you do it etcetcetc.

So I did it [notthelist].. and boy did it feel good.

Perhaps it only felt good because it had been awhile. At first it was slightly awkward given the way things had ‘ended’. But then he finally after much chitchat made the first move. Damn. It was good sex with an ex. He’s the only ex I’d do it with. I can’t wait for the next rendezvous. I just hope we don’t fuck this up.

Just need to keep my feelings/emotions out of it. Which if you have kept up with me, it’s going to be a challenge.

I will say though; I got a tad teary when he was asking me if I missed him and blahblahblah. I was like, ‘keep it together, be smooth, don’t be 100% honest. He just wants to hear that you’ve missed him and all that bullshit to feel good.’ Fuck that. I won’t give in, as much as I hate lying. I will not look pathetic or seem needy.

Be strong. Breathe.

 

-r

sincewhenareyouintothat

Listen to this.

The boy I was trying to make things work with, well it’s been “over” for a bit now. His birthday was the 24th this month. I know when his birthday is ok? I simply have had other things on my mind like, why doesn’t he want to be with me, and how do I stop crying over him, or I can’t sleep and end up trying to find something to distract me so I don’t think about him. So his birthday wasn’t exactly at the top of my list.

What happenes is, I call him up and say the jig is up, I am no longer trying to pressure him or anything, I dont expect anything anymore. I just want to be friends and be able to hang out like before. So lets just forget about this shit. And he agrees and says he was never mad and blahblahblah. And I am happy, for the first time and very temporarily.

He then brings up the fact that I forgot his birthday. Says ‘that’s fucked up’, that we pretty much dated for 2 years and his birthday is like our anniversary. Like I am sorry, and by sorry I mean not sorry because this is the guy who HATES BIRTHDAYS. Doesn’t celebrate them, is depressed, doesn’t like them period. Now he’s getting in my grill about me forgetting?? Said, ‘It’s doesn’t exactly help you out right now’. As in, since we’re in a tough situation relationship-wise, I didn’t score points for forgetting? Wow. I should add that to my list of things to look for in a person.

He goes, I’m not trying to be an asshole, I don’t mean to make you feel bad. Fuck that. You made an effort to get your point across. I get it. Fuck off.

Not only did I have other shit on my mind, it’s like he knows I have the Worst memory ever. Ever. He knows this. Plus, What was I suppose to do? Hey we’re at an awakward stage where you probably don’t want me but hey happy birthday heres a gift, lets go out blahblahblah. I know I could have said a simple happy birthday but shit man.

Then I ask ‘Well I can take you out this weekend?’ He goes, ‘well.. well, Im golfing Saturday with my friend and I don’t want to go out friday night, because I have to get up for golf Saturday, and I think I’m busy Saturday..’

I’m like, ok, you can’t get drinks Saturday night? and he’s like, ‘well, I mean. yea ok ok ok, yea we can.’ Like fuck that.

Kicker is, he did go out friday night. Son of a B. I mean I’ve had a full schedule this weekend anyway, I made sure of that, so it’s whatever but that’s a shitty move man.

 

-r

 

BLAHBLAHBLAHiknow

Oh woe is me. Well, not really. I’ve come to the realization that once you’ve ended a relationship, all break-ups are the same after that. They all suck–no matter what. I was trying to think back from when the last break up was, or when I felt this terrible over someone.. and its been years man.

It’s so strange that someone can wake up one day and just not want to be with you anymore. Whether they have reasons or not, it’s loco. Because then the one you now longer desire is left wondering, ‘whats wrong with me? what didn’t they like?” And they tend to criticize everything about themselves and feel bad.

 

As I did. I instantly turned up my workout and changed my eating habits. I felt fat. That ended up being the first bad feeling because he used to tease me about my little ‘love handles’.. can I just say I am about 5′3 112 lbs..? Yeah I’m sorry but theres gotta be a weight limit where guys can’t be saying shit like that/not EVER.

 

I am an itelligent woman, I know I am not fat or ugly or whatever. But you can’t help from feeling a bit bad. You just can’t. I admit, I can be cold, but shit, I have feelings man.

 

So I am trying to focus on a few things to get myself over him. Remember he doesn’t want me. At all. Also, I can meet people who are attractive and smart and fun. There isn’t just one guy who has those things. I can focus on other things now. Work, running, baking, friends,being happy by myself, everything.

I actually just moved so fresh start. New beginning.

 

L e t   g o .  

-r

my<3hurts

I am just laying here.. i can’t sleep without thinking of him. I can’t sleep without feeling the pain–knowing he doesn’t want me anymore.

no more. nomas. finito.

 

I never saw this coming. I would have never believed it if someone told me the future was this. The fucking heart ache man. I haven’t felt this in years.

I know I’m young. I know I can find someone else. But the truth is I just don’t want to. I don’t want anyone else. Even if they were amazing and such, My heart is his. But he doesn’t even want it. Not one bit.

 

It’s effecting my life. I am a sad little lady all the time. I just want him to call me, text me, email me. Something. I’m dying here. I want so much to talk to him if i can’t see him. His mouth. His voice. How he bites his nails. His dark eyes. Hearing about his day. His cooking. His red couch. His toothbrush. His smile. His lower lip. His shoe collection. His veiny arms. His bedsheets. His 5 oclock shadow.

 

My heart area literally aches.

I need distraction for the rest of my life.

 

-r