abandonment, shmabandonment.

I can try to think back and the only person who ever abandoned me and my siblings was my mother. I knew why she had to. I understood.. eventually. My father was controlling and isolating, to say the least. Had cut her off from any sort of socialization.

I get it.

Perhaps it’s the residing anger I have for her leaving us with the wolf to fend for ourselves. Forcing me to be more of a mother figure than I already was when she was gone. Trying to keep it together, for myself and little siblings. Trying to anticipate my fathers needs before he blew up.

I get it.

So why am I suffering from abandonment caused by men. Men who said they loved me. Leaving me for another continent. Saying the hardest thing about leaving, was leaving me. Men who I know aren’t the one for me. But yet, my heart literally feels like it’s ripping apart in all directions. Causing me to go into emotional rages.

I don’t recall getting this upset when one of my best friends moved back home.. Perhaps it’s because she wasn’t moving to France.. so far away.

Maybe it’s the fact that they stress so much how much they love you and how hard it is to leave you and that they don’t want to leave you and blahblahblah, and then they do. They leave. They leave you to crumble while your heart has mini heart attacks when you see something that reminds you of them. Hearing a song, passing That park, watching That show. Seeing someone else wear the same shoes they wear. A constant reminder. A constant pain. And to know, they are so busy with having the time of their lives, a new experience. And they probably aren’t thinking about you. And if they are, They aren’t sad. They have this false hope that you’re fine. Because they want you to be fine. They don’t want to be the reason you’re on antidepressants now. They don’t want to have this girl they know now turn crazed. They don’t want the blame.

I get it.

severing the love addiction

Cut Off, Take 7!

I gave the same speech but in a different way yesterday. How I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep living in this fantasy where that if we pretend everything’s alright, they will be if as long as we hold on tight to empty promises. When the harsh reality is, if and when he comes back, it probably won’t be to me. And that my friends, is a good thing. He, is no good for me. *sever*

He said he needed me the most right now. Well I need This more than you need me. I’m on meds for crying out loud. Because of this. Of him. I still don’t buy how I’m the “closest” person to him, among his friends and family. I’m just a girl who happened to walk through your work and happened to have a question which led to conversation and me pulling you out of a black hole. That’s the only thing I can think of which would qualify me as That important.

So I had to take a xanax and all that did was make me wanna pass out. I still had the anxiety mind you. This will be brought up at the next appointment. I need a better solution. Can’t be having panic attacks and falling asleep at the job. Unprofessional.

So this is day 2 of the severing project. Let’s see how long this will last. I think the longest we went without talking but he still sent me messages was 2 months give or take. I need more than 2 months.

another one bites the dust..

What the hell is wrong with you people? You know so-and-so is in a relationship AND you’re leaving the country to work and you have to drop the L-bomb. Request that last sleepover, kiss, deep talk, nonsense. WHYYY?!

Either we were doing so well at being friends or we used to fight about bullshit like why we should or shouldn’t take it to the next level, but worked it out and now are good friends.. either way dude, you fucked it all up. Now, we’re back to square one or two.. I think square one would entail we’ve met and are getting to know each other, two would probably be when we start to make moves.. Whatever!

I don’t get it. Drives me nuts. This is exhausting. Thanks a lot. Now I have to meet up with you again and either act like it never happened, act like I “want” to talk about it or be straight up cold and say no, we’re not discussing this any further.

Bollocks.

love doesnt move to another continent.

Can someone move away from a person they love so much? If they do move, and take up a job.. does that mean they don’t want the relationship? They don’t really love you as much as they claimed? Does. Love. Move. Question Mark.

she couldnt have said it better..

 

“Let it be sufficient to say that, on this night, he was still my lighthouse and my albatross in equal measure. The only thing more  u n t h i n k a b l e  than leaving was staying; the only thing more  i m p o s s i b l e  than staying was leaving. I didn’t want to destroy anything or anybody. I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences, and then not stop running until I reached Greenland.” -elizabethGilbert

to: j; love, b

“So be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another persons body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings“
-Elizabeth Gilbert.

I read this last week and it clicked. She talks about how all her life, shed been from 1 relationship to the next without any space in between. After evan and I didn’t work out as I had hoped so much we would, I was single for 8 months; so unhappy so sad, what was wrong with me why wasn’t I dating why wasn’t I putting myself out there and then charlie picked me up, and I didn’t even want it, which should have been the first red flag among many others.. but I think part of my head said red flag, red flag, then the other side said, beck you need this so bad, you’ve been so depressed maybe this will help. And I did what I’ve always done and went with it. And then there was you.

I feel like if you’re still sad/bitter about a person/relationship.. you’re not over it. And I’m still bitter towards evan. He hurt me so badly. And now I’m sad about you and now charlie. So I have now accumulated 3 people I’ve loved that I’m sad over Because it’s  o v e r .

It’s not to say I havnt truly loved everyone I’ve come across, because I have. Just because I might use a relationship to feel not as empty and loved doesn’t mean I was faking it.

This whole france thing with you has brought me to the brink of complete mental collapse. And that’s why I’ve now taken up therapy. I’ve been so good at pushing everything aside and into archive. And this just made all the documents get lost in a whirlwind that I can no longer control. My anxiety has taken my body as a permanent resident. And it’s not all your fault, so please don’t feel that way.

I used to say, this is just who I am. Like how I don’t smile all the time like everyone can on a “normal” basis, I mean, the fact I always look angry or whatever.. but I realize its because I have been angry. Angry at my father, my brother my grandparents any other family member, old best friends, my bosses in my life, my job, the guy who shoved past me on the subway.. it goes on.

I have so much to deal with and I hope to come out so much better, welcoming, happier, more trusting, less paranoid, sleep better, more motivated, less scared.

That’s all I’ve come up with, we’ll see if doc agrees.

OhitsBeen@while

I basically fell off the face of wordpress. Apologies. I have so much to write about.

But let’s start off with current events shorthand-style.

The boy I loved and left for the other boy who stole my heart? Well, I’m trying to make it work again but 2ndhand man is still stealing my heart. UGH. FAIL. He just reminds me of everything I want that I dont have from the other guy. They are pretty much opposites and it’s driving me Crazyloco. oy.

Work is crazy. I need to save my drama post for another day.  But. I will be going to LA for 4 days saturday am for Meals on Wheels event. I’m excited. I need a break from ny and the guys, but mostly work.

Been dealing with a bunch of health issues. UGH. I hate making appts, and blah and bills, and I DONT GET PAID ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH THIS.. damn. I’ve had my own personal health insurance for the past.. hmm 4 years? I just never wanted to be without it so when I knew I’d be working at my school for x-amount of time for classes, I didnt want to have a 3-4 month gap before I got it back again. So, every year I’m paying more and more for this shite and it is kinda fucking me over. I pay at least 176/mo This year… about over 2gs/year and they’re not covering shit. or theyre putting me at places in my network and then this fucking joints dont work with cooperating labs or whatnot. HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE? And I’m constantly fighting them via email, phone trying to find out why they didnt pay a %. I win and sometimes I dont.

GAHH.

-r

cutmythroat.

I am seriously a solid 66% fucked. I am dejavuing. but worse.

My heart has gone elsewhere again, while being in love with another. ughh. Except this time, my love isn’t long distance, so what is the problem? The current pressures of seriousness or am I just ridiculous and a complete dude. Wandering eye. I was happy before I met this guy. Content? Perhaps. Now my world is shaken up like a silly margarita.

I cant choose. Bad boy or good guy. wWat do I want. fun? or simplicity. Do I leave my love to enjoy my young age or do I stick it out?

Take a break? or is that an excuse to do what I couldn’t with a boyfriend.

 

gag me. ugh.

 

-r

dejafuckingvu

OK. so. I’m in that great relationship right? ok, well. I’m stressed all over again. [Pressure.] He wants me to move in and it hasn’t even been a year and I don’t do that shit and hes talking about our future and shit and I’m only 22 and I cant have my future set already! gahhh!

So I also met a delicious young man. I might die. He is waaaay too cute, yet incredibly sexy. I cannot takkke ittt. gahd. Here’s my situation in a nutshell:

He knows I have a bf but is still pursuing me and doesn’t care if I cheat. His response was that ‘I know what I want and i should stop lying to myself’ since I really cant resist. he has a part I’ve lacked in many relationships. but perhaps I wanted what I wanted in a form of fantasy, not real life. What I mean is he is rather, rough.  a g g r e s s i v e . That to me is slightly tantalizing and just plain hot, I cant help myself as hard as I try to repel.

But in the long run, will this suffice? I don’t know. My current love is great. will do anything for me. understands me, doesn’t get mad at me, lets me get angry and complain. but there were no butterflies. In the beginning I didn’t even want to have a relationship. I just wanted to be friends. That’s it. I kept telling him no. And somehow, I gave in. Convinced myself otherwise. Perhaps it isn’t meant to be.

I dont know. torn.

 

-r

holycrap.

ugh. so my boyfriend of 7 months is renovating his now owned park ave apartment. he has asked me to help him find the furniture and blahblahblah. like my opinion matters. welll apparently it does! hes saying its our home. its for the future. shit son. seriously. joint accounts, picking wood floor shades, couches, rugs, yaddayadda. im feelin that slight anxiety blowupinmyfaceshithittingthefan feeling.

fuck. what is a girl to do.

weird thing is id pay less than i do right now. i pay about 600- not including electric and agua nonsense in bushwick. So id be saving $ and living in the city again. [yay] also i dont know how i feel about his parents paying like, 2/3rds of the mortgage. its like mommy and daddy are taking care of shit. like giving him a bmw, now they agreed to pay for his insurance since he now cant afford it since he has to pay rent now with his little paycheck. he is turning 25 next month, wtf. grow up. pay for your own shit.

other than that, hes exquisite.

the most random sidenote/feeling: pinche twitter. gahd.

 

-r