to: j; love, b

“So be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another persons body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings“
-Elizabeth Gilbert.

I read this last week and it clicked. She talks about how all her life, shed been from 1 relationship to the next without any space in between. After evan and I didn’t work out as I had hoped so much we would, I was single for 8 months; so unhappy so sad, what was wrong with me why wasn’t I dating why wasn’t I putting myself out there and then charlie picked me up, and I didn’t even want it, which should have been the first red flag among many others.. but I think part of my head said red flag, red flag, then the other side said, beck you need this so bad, you’ve been so depressed maybe this will help. And I did what I’ve always done and went with it. And then there was you.

I feel like if you’re still sad/bitter about a person/relationship.. you’re not over it. And I’m still bitter towards evan. He hurt me so badly. And now I’m sad about you and now charlie. So I have now accumulated 3 people I’ve loved that I’m sad over Because it’s  o v e r .

It’s not to say I havnt truly loved everyone I’ve come across, because I have. Just because I might use a relationship to feel not as empty and loved doesn’t mean I was faking it.

This whole france thing with you has brought me to the brink of complete mental collapse. And that’s why I’ve now taken up therapy. I’ve been so good at pushing everything aside and into archive. And this just made all the documents get lost in a whirlwind that I can no longer control. My anxiety has taken my body as a permanent resident. And it’s not all your fault, so please don’t feel that way.

I used to say, this is just who I am. Like how I don’t smile all the time like everyone can on a “normal” basis, I mean, the fact I always look angry or whatever.. but I realize its because I have been angry. Angry at my father, my brother my grandparents any other family member, old best friends, my bosses in my life, my job, the guy who shoved past me on the subway.. it goes on.

I have so much to deal with and I hope to come out so much better, welcoming, happier, more trusting, less paranoid, sleep better, more motivated, less scared.

That’s all I’ve come up with, we’ll see if doc agrees.

slowdancedForthe1stTime–inaLONNNGtime

I had drinks with an amazing chef last night.

He is hilarious. Quick. Great hair. Typical ‘I can wear anything and make it look good’ attire. One of those guys that always make you nervous and leave you wanting more, but not too much in fear of losing the ‘always heart you from a distance’ feeling.

You feel me?

 

Yeah, he just pulled me in and told me to slow dance with him for a moment. I didn’t want to. My first thought was, ‘fuck no, I don’t dance anymore, and this is foolish’, YET so freakin cute. So he says, ‘but you want to, I can feel your hips moving’, and I replied, ‘then I shall stop’, and I did. and he says, ‘just once around, that’s it’.. reluctantly, I did. Lame.

But seriously, on another note, his facebook says [in a relationship], and he certainly wasn’t acting like he was in a relationship. tisktisk, I reminded him of his boundaries. I believe he understood what I was referring to…

 

more to come

 

-r

yaddayadda..yadda

I might like him. a little. a tad. a smidgen. grr.

but I think it’s for the wrong reasons.

The obvious wrong reasons.

I’ve been single for so long, I crave attention right now, it feels good to have someone who wants to be with you, do anything for you, listen to you, say how wonderful you are, make plans together, cook together, hold hands, get picked up in a BMW doesn’t hurt, or the fact that he has deep pockets, and gives me what I need sexually. Fuck. I am doomed.

I even find myself missing him sometimes. And my other fear is that a] I could fall in love because I have the tendency to do so more so with personality vs. looks. Looks I can overcome for the most part if personality is beyond stellar; b] I will find someone who Really gives me the ‘butterflies, omg I am so nervous for the first 2 months, checking my text messages every 3 seconds and his facebook every 7 seconds’, and then I will have to break the other fellow’s heart to follow mine, because this is someone who I get to chase and want from the beginning.

Did that make any sense?

Terrible. I am a bad lady.

ps. we’re spending xmas together.

 

-r

.the.background2.the.Cr@ve//part1

I am still in absolute shock. Absolute fucking shock.
I have this friend at work, worked with him for about a year and never really had a conversation. Then one day I decide to go up to him and ask him what his goals are in life, being that no one at work knows anything about him. What does he plan to do after working here, where did he grow up, why this, and why that..

We end up forming a friendship. We found that we share one goal, and that’s to travel the world. We both don’t have anyone to travel with us, so we have then created that bond.

We hang out, play Super Mario, try new restaurants, walk around the city looking for new bakeries, cooking at my apartment. It’s good. I enjoy his company. I usually am friends with guys more so than girls.. so this is natural to me.

I fucked up one time because I let him stay in my bed, which led to some intense crave for each others affection. I personally got over it for the most part. I haven’t been this single  e v e r r r r r r , so I was feeling a bit lonely and he was the filler. Mind you, I was very up front about how I didn’t want a relationship and this was just play time.. and I figured that most guys would have appreciated that. Right or wrong? He replied, “I understand, that’s fine.”

It’s only been a month give or take that our friendship has taken form..

So what hit me last night turned my life upside down– went fucking right out of the ballpark.. and maybe into outer-space…..
more to continue.

-r

isgooglingthemenyoumeetSTRANGE?

Would you find it odd/creepy if the person you are dating or whatever had googled you?

I never thought of doing it until someone whos fond of that research technique exposed me.

It’s rather fun to be quite honest. The things you may find. Pictures, webshots, blogs, etc. Sites they belong to. Possible articles done on them.

But is it wrong? Is it considered prying? Dishonest in a way? Sure it’s sneaky, but whats the harm eh?

 

-r

barrrrtendaCrush

Im guilty. I am totally crushing on this bartender I met a few weeks ago.

I surely hope I haven’t shown it, but geewiz, I leave with a permanent smile–it hurts my face.

Sadly, he is departing form the bar I frequent.

Anyway, me and my bar buddy found out about the news in regards to him leaving and we were like “nooooooooo, who will make us our drinks? what are going to do without you?”

He had then replied saying something along the lines of.. “I suppose I will be on the other side with you” [other side of the bar]

We were pretty loaded, and we did leave our emails for the chap. So the next time we stopped in he was saying how he doesn’t email and numbers are so much easier. So I left mine on a napkin.

 

The Next time I saw him, he said thanks for the number. Okay, so it’s been well over a week I’d say and nothing. I suppose I shouldn’t expect anything. But it kinda makes me bitter.

Bartenders are tricky though, eh? You can’t tell if one likes someone because they have to be uber nice to everyone and be talkative, attentive, etc. Tricky business I say.

So I’m not too bummed out, I will say it is the first bar I enjoyed thoroughly and went to on a consistent basis, first bar I went to by myself, and first time I have ever left my number. Baby steps.

 

He is ridiculously charming though. And has that British accent. And Jesus, when he shakes a drink–he does it well. Not like those jv boys who look like they are painfully jerking off. Ah. And he is part of a Shakespeare Festival thingamajiggy.

We shall see.

 

-r

mintinglecondoms

So I am not really sure why anyone would use mint flavored condoms/lube. It’s not the best feeling in the world. The tingle part is rather uncomfortable. Almost a burning sensation. I suppose it can different for everyone, but shit man.

 

Also, flavored lubes. Ew, with a side of eww. Who wants to lick or suck flavored lube?? Grosss. Gahd. Its like eating petroleum jelly, but worse.

Same thing with condoms. Why is the condom flavored? so you can suck him off with it on? or so that its flavored when its off. Either way that seems terrible. The smell of condoms it awful, and the lube it leaves its uninviting. –Unless youre some slut who likes that shit, or drunk.

You know what it reminds me of.. the residue white strips leave on your teeth.

 

That was joke.  Sluts arent the only ones who like that stuff. Its interesting to know that there  are a lot of people who get down and dirty and you would never know it. All I know is I don’t dig cum as a cocktail. Will i take one for the team? sure, sometimes. Say if we’re in the car. But I dont get why guys think its amazing when a girl does that shit. Haha. you kiss her and she ends up burping cum breath. ugh.

 

-r

BLAHBLAHBLAHiknow

Oh woe is me. Well, not really. I’ve come to the realization that once you’ve ended a relationship, all break-ups are the same after that. They all suck–no matter what. I was trying to think back from when the last break up was, or when I felt this terrible over someone.. and its been years man.

It’s so strange that someone can wake up one day and just not want to be with you anymore. Whether they have reasons or not, it’s loco. Because then the one you now longer desire is left wondering, ‘whats wrong with me? what didn’t they like?” And they tend to criticize everything about themselves and feel bad.

 

As I did. I instantly turned up my workout and changed my eating habits. I felt fat. That ended up being the first bad feeling because he used to tease me about my little ‘love handles’.. can I just say I am about 5’3 112 lbs..? Yeah I’m sorry but theres gotta be a weight limit where guys can’t be saying shit like that/not EVER.

 

I am an itelligent woman, I know I am not fat or ugly or whatever. But you can’t help from feeling a bit bad. You just can’t. I admit, I can be cold, but shit, I have feelings man.

 

So I am trying to focus on a few things to get myself over him. Remember he doesn’t want me. At all. Also, I can meet people who are attractive and smart and fun. There isn’t just one guy who has those things. I can focus on other things now. Work, running, baking, friends,being happy by myself, everything.

I actually just moved so fresh start. New beginning.

 

L e t   g o .  

-r

sexNluv

4. Women don’t understand how men can differentiate so easily between love and sex.

One of the reasons is that during sex, women produce lots of oxytocin, a hormone that stimulates a strong emotional connection. As a result, women are more emotionally integrated when it comes to sex. That’s why casual sex and hookups often backfire for lots of women. Guys produce little to no oxytocin, and can easily have sex without any sense of emotional connection. It’s sex with no emotional strings attached.

 

loco.

 

–ivillage

 

-r

soYoucatchYour[loved1]onMatch.com

I thought I was going to pass out. I got that feeling like your worst suspicions had just been confirmed. I started shaking, my hands didn’t stop shaking for the next 8 hours–I was so beside myself. I couldn’t breathe.

I asked Him, ‘can you explain to me why you’re on match.com’

he came up with, ‘I clicked on the ad pop up when i was on aim’

‘but I went to delete it because I clicked on a popup’

 

okay, doesn’t make sense right? In addition to this–I found 2 separate messages from girls statingg that they had plans with him this weekend. One on Friday, one on Saturday. He denied he had plans with girls. Perhaps they are guys with girl names eh?

I felt so sick to my stomach all day. I gave him so many chances to just tell the truth. Either I am very crazy or he is such a good/bad liar. I am <3broken. I wish it were all a dream. I don’t trust him. Even if I was wrong about this, I still don’t feel right about it.  I was trying my best to make an effort in this relationship. Apparently, I lack something that causes him to go find it elsewhere.

 

I don’t want to date again..

 

‘If birds flying south is a sign of changes
At least you can predict this every year.

Love, you never know the minute it ends suddenly
I can’t get it to speak
Maybe finding all the things it took to save us
I could fix the pain that bleeds inside of me
Look in your eyes to see something about me
I’m standing on the edge

and I don’t know what else to give’

 

-r