.the.background2.the.Cr@ve//part1

I am still in absolute shock. Absolute fucking shock.
I have this friend at work, worked with him for about a year and never really had a conversation. Then one day I decide to go up to him and ask him what his goals are in life, being that no one at work knows anything about him. What does he plan to do after working here, where did he grow up, why this, and why that..

We end up forming a friendship. We found that we share one goal, and that’s to travel the world. We both don’t have anyone to travel with us, so we have then created that bond.

We hang out, play Super Mario, try new restaurants, walk around the city looking for new bakeries, cooking at my apartment. It’s good. I enjoy his company. I usually am friends with guys more so than girls.. so this is natural to me.

I fucked up one time because I let him stay in my bed, which led to some intense crave for each others affection. I personally got over it for the most part. I haven’t been this single  e v e r r r r r r , so I was feeling a bit lonely and he was the filler. Mind you, I was very up front about how I didn’t want a relationship and this was just play time.. and I figured that most guys would have appreciated that. Right or wrong? He replied, “I understand, that’s fine.”

It’s only been a month give or take that our friendship has taken form..

So what hit me last night turned my life upside down– went fucking right out of the ballpark.. and maybe into outer-space…..
more to continue.

-r

LiT::myFavoritePart

C: im stuck.
does it get easier?

B: no, yes — it gets easier.

C: oh ya? look at you.

B: the more you know who you are and what you want — the less you let things upset you.

C: yea..
i just dont know what im suppose to be.
i tried being a writer but i hate what i write;
i tried taking pictures, but they’re so mediocre.
you know every girl goes through a photography phase, ya know like horses.
you take pictures of your feet.

B: youll figure that out.
im not worried about you.
keep writing.

 

chapter16|lostintranslation

 

-r

isgooglingthemenyoumeetSTRANGE?

Would you find it odd/creepy if the person you are dating or whatever had googled you?

I never thought of doing it until someone whos fond of that research technique exposed me.

It’s rather fun to be quite honest. The things you may find. Pictures, webshots, blogs, etc. Sites they belong to. Possible articles done on them.

But is it wrong? Is it considered prying? Dishonest in a way? Sure it’s sneaky, but whats the harm eh?

 

-r

crossingthelinewithyourpalsbartenderOOPSIEDOO

Ok, this seems semi-silly but, serious at the same time.

My buddy here in NY is just lovely. She is much older than I and we surprisingly get along very well. I consider her one of my great friends and look up to her.

She has a handful of bartenders that she’s known forever and that are pretty much hers. I’ve never wanted to go to her bars unless she was the one opting to go.

Now is it crossing the line when you exchange numbers with her bartender? I mean, it could go either way, one being–hey friends through mutual friends or of that sort [although chances are that hes not giving you his # for just a friend eh?] or the other being this exchange has caused things to get awkward betwixt the two.. thus her never returning and losing a good bartender because her friend/bartender made that move.

It’s kind of like territory. So is that fair grounds?

-r

fleeting\\

Relationships are funny aren’t they?

One minute you’re with someone for however long, everything just makes sense, your promises to each other, the plans you planned together, saying I love yous. Next week they’ve dimissed the experience, and are with someone else; perhaps telling them the same things. So did they really love you?

Why did we break up? What is love anyway, and is it really that fleeting?

 

-r

sexW/anX

Is it ever a good idea to have sex with an ex?

I googled this question the other night and surprisingly enough, most of the responses were, ‘yeah, it’s ok to have sex with an ex–’ But then they had this list of questions to ask yourself before you do it etcetcetc.

So I did it [notthelist].. and boy did it feel good.

Perhaps it only felt good because it had been awhile. At first it was slightly awkward given the way things had ‘ended’. But then he finally after much chitchat made the first move. Damn. It was good sex with an ex. He’s the only ex I’d do it with. I can’t wait for the next rendezvous. I just hope we don’t fuck this up.

Just need to keep my feelings/emotions out of it. Which if you have kept up with me, it’s going to be a challenge.

I will say though; I got a tad teary when he was asking me if I missed him and blahblahblah. I was like, ‘keep it together, be smooth, don’t be 100% honest. He just wants to hear that you’ve missed him and all that bullshit to feel good.’ Fuck that. I won’t give in, as much as I hate lying. I will not look pathetic or seem needy.

Be strong. Breathe.

 

-r

youGottabeFuckingkiddingMe

I went to bed with the heat on, I woke up with the heat on, I am now home from work and the heat is still on. PORRRRRQUE?!?! it’s 70F out, kill the heat yo, you’re just abusing my rent money damnit. I don’t wanna be roasted and become someones sandwhich meat.

 

Unless there was mayo, then okay, fine.

 

-r

RUNrunRUN

YO, can I just say it’s my weekend and I haven’t slept in once yet. Yesterday I had to go to the doc’s , and today I am getting up at 8am to go running with my chef.

 

What the shit man. So dead tired. Tired I say, tired.

 

So yesterday was fun though. I hate when doctors are doing something awkward to you, and they feel like they have to talk to you about other shit to get your mind off of whatever awkward thing theyre doing, like checking your breasts for cancer. Like what is your favorite dessert? Whats your favorite thing to make, You like chocolate? It’s like, SHUT UP, I DONT KNOW, I DONT EVEN KNOW. Just do your thing and tell me wtf is wrong with me. Stop trying to make me feel “comfortable”. I’m just saying.

 

Then I hung out with the boy that gave me the “ultimatum*” for like 12 hours, pretty much lose track of time with the guy hence why i am so tired because I didn’t get to sleep till 2ish. He couldn’t really move because of his kidneys and stuff, so since he was out of work and it was my day off, not a bad day to ditch everyone else for this guy eh? which is exactly what I did. I’m a slight douche I knowwww.

 

I think I took 3 cabs yesterday. How fucking lazy is that. Wow. Terrible.

 

Okay, I cant be late for running yo.

 

-r

 

*see past entry relating to ultimatum to understand

my<3mayburst/iMightdie

The feeling that your heart has a huge hole. Like your favorite stuffed animal is gone. Like the guy I love, doesn’t love me anymore. Devastated. Absolutely devastating. I feel I could die. Every relationship I’ve been in, I have some how performed self destruction to tip the boat– without even knowing it. Whattheshit.

 

I am just crying and crying. I can’t go a moment without fighting the urge to break down. I can’t sleep. I don’t know what to do. He claims he can’t make things like before overnight, but if you love someone and they come back, shouldn’t it just fall back into place? It did for me.  W i l l   I   e v e r   g e t   i t   b a c k ?  

Knowing the person who loved you to death and made you feel almost suffocated by their love, now make you beg for their affection.

 

I can’t take this.

Someone steal my ipod so I don’t listen to serious sappy/sad love songs. Pretty please.

 

-r

ohh/chef..

So I have been rather frustrated with the fact that I wanted to come in on one of my days off to help out in kitchen where I work, but on the savory side. I’ve always been a terrible cook, and I only took the pastry course. I was willing to work for free too. But I told my pastry chef and she said she wouldn’t allow it. Her explanation consisted of me needing balance in my life, how I already spend atleast 60hours there, and that I should enjoy my time off, and do non-cooking things.

But I want to learn, hands on. Sure I can read, but I am more of the type that needs to actually do it to retain it and understand. So then I had to tell my other chef that I couldnt come in, and so that chef flipped out, because it seemed strange and unfair to deny someone of learning. It’s like, hey, free help man. wtf.

I even had another chef I know tell me that my chef may be telling me no because she has other plans for me. That I could be be ruining my chances at a raise (which is already overdue) or promotion in the future. That my chef may feel like I have betrayed her. That she may feel like, oh no, what if she leaves pastry for savory. I’m a pretty loyal person, I just like to learn all that I can when the opprotunity and chances are available, especially since I know everyone already and the kitchen layout and they like me, and it’s not like I have to pay to go to school and learn this stuff. I have the chance to learn it right there where I work, with people who are willing to take the time and teach me. This other chef even told me that it’s people like me, that try and learn everything and they end up losing focus and thats why they dont move up and become leaders–this was mostly directed towards women. Okay, with that being said, I guess I should stop cooking dinner at home, because it’s savory, and I could be losing focus. I say fuck that bullshit. Fuck it. Such horse shit.

 

Anyhoo. I won’t disrespect my chef, but I will say it was a surprise to me that it wasnt a universal response..

 

-r