LA.ugh;neilpatricksBF.cool

I was in LA recently for an event. OHMYGOSH. While hanging out before and after work, LA is interesting. People definitely like to display their wealth in the most obvious way. Quite unclassy. Guys are driving benz while wearing armani exchange. I’mmmmm confused.

My chef and I were eating at an Italian restaurant outside and let me just say, LA is filllllled with valets. So this woman is with her kids and they were waiting for their car to be brought around, she waited for pretty much 20 minutes. My chef is like, with the time she was waiting she could have been at her car already and saved money. I was like, yeah well, shes wearing Chanel flats.. she doesnt want to wear them out. $800 flats. and theyre not cute. I love how people buy things just because of who makes it. This dislike falls into the same category of logos. I really detest when people wear shit just because it shows who they are wearing and how much they might have spent. Like ok, walking ad. lame.

Neil Patrick Harris’s boyfriend is staging at my work right now and he goes between LA and NY and he was saying how if someone in LA has an appt. 1 block away from their home, they drive. WOW. +theres no good restaurants, except like, Spago or Cut or something. But not much. UGH

 

-r

OhitsBeen@while

I basically fell off the face of wordpress. Apologies. I have so much to write about.

But let’s start off with current events shorthand-style.

The boy I loved and left for the other boy who stole my heart? Well, I’m trying to make it work again but 2ndhand man is still stealing my heart. UGH. FAIL. He just reminds me of everything I want that I dont have from the other guy. They are pretty much opposites and it’s driving me Crazyloco. oy.

Work is crazy. I need to save my drama post for another day.  But. I will be going to LA for 4 days saturday am for Meals on Wheels event. I’m excited. I need a break from ny and the guys, but mostly work.

Been dealing with a bunch of health issues. UGH. I hate making appts, and blah and bills, and I DONT GET PAID ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH THIS.. damn. I’ve had my own personal health insurance for the past.. hmm 4 years? I just never wanted to be without it so when I knew I’d be working at my school for x-amount of time for classes, I didnt want to have a 3-4 month gap before I got it back again. So, every year I’m paying more and more for this shite and it is kinda fucking me over. I pay at least 176/mo This year… about over 2gs/year and they’re not covering shit. or theyre putting me at places in my network and then this fucking joints dont work with cooperating labs or whatnot. HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE? And I’m constantly fighting them via email, phone trying to find out why they didnt pay a %. I win and sometimes I dont.

GAHH.

-r

cutmythroat.

I am seriously a solid 66% fucked. I am dejavuing. but worse.

My heart has gone elsewhere again, while being in love with another. ughh. Except this time, my love isn’t long distance, so what is the problem? The current pressures of seriousness or am I just ridiculous and a complete dude. Wandering eye. I was happy before I met this guy. Content? Perhaps. Now my world is shaken up like a silly margarita.

I cant choose. Bad boy or good guy. wWat do I want. fun? or simplicity. Do I leave my love to enjoy my young age or do I stick it out?

Take a break? or is that an excuse to do what I couldn’t with a boyfriend.

 

gag me. ugh.

 

-r

dejafuckingvu

OK. so. I’m in that great relationship right? ok, well. I’m stressed all over again. [Pressure.] He wants me to move in and it hasn’t even been a year and I don’t do that shit and hes talking about our future and shit and I’m only 22 and I cant have my future set already! gahhh!

So I also met a delicious young man. I might die. He is waaaay too cute, yet incredibly sexy. I cannot takkke ittt. gahd. Here’s my situation in a nutshell:

He knows I have a bf but is still pursuing me and doesn’t care if I cheat. His response was that ‘I know what I want and i should stop lying to myself’ since I really cant resist. he has a part I’ve lacked in many relationships. but perhaps I wanted what I wanted in a form of fantasy, not real life. What I mean is he is rather, rough.  a g g r e s s i v e . That to me is slightly tantalizing and just plain hot, I cant help myself as hard as I try to repel.

But in the long run, will this suffice? I don’t know. My current love is great. will do anything for me. understands me, doesn’t get mad at me, lets me get angry and complain. but there were no butterflies. In the beginning I didn’t even want to have a relationship. I just wanted to be friends. That’s it. I kept telling him no. And somehow, I gave in. Convinced myself otherwise. Perhaps it isn’t meant to be.

I dont know. torn.

 

-r

holycrap.

ugh. so my boyfriend of 7 months is renovating his now owned park ave apartment. he has asked me to help him find the furniture and blahblahblah. like my opinion matters. welll apparently it does! hes saying its our home. its for the future. shit son. seriously. joint accounts, picking wood floor shades, couches, rugs, yaddayadda. im feelin that slight anxiety blowupinmyfaceshithittingthefan feeling.

fuck. what is a girl to do.

weird thing is id pay less than i do right now. i pay about 600- not including electric and agua nonsense in bushwick. So id be saving $ and living in the city again. [yay] also i dont know how i feel about his parents paying like, 2/3rds of the mortgage. its like mommy and daddy are taking care of shit. like giving him a bmw, now they agreed to pay for his insurance since he now cant afford it since he has to pay rent now with his little paycheck. he is turning 25 next month, wtf. grow up. pay for your own shit.

other than that, hes exquisite.

the most random sidenote/feeling: pinche twitter. gahd.

 

-r

arggWorkrelationshits.

My boyfriend whom I work with was being a cry baby today. I asked what was bothering him and  he denied anything was wrong, but once I left work he texted me how he felt and whatnot. Apparently when everyone comes into work [he's usually the 1st to come into the kitchen], I distance myself from him and become cold and tend to tease him in front of others. And that he can take the teasing but wasn’t sure if I enjoyed doing it. Like it was on purpose.  He said he felt that I was smiling and laughing more so with others than him. He wasn’t sure if it was just jealousy.

Oh, bollocks.

It’s probably true. I probably do tease him since I don’t want to act lovey-dovey in front of co workers, especially when we both haven’t confirmed their thoughts on our relationship. Sure he may pick me up from work and help me out and we may eat lunch together and yaddayaddyadda, doesn’t meant I’m going to just be like, ‘oh yeah, we are dating’ . No way jorge. They don’t need to know. They can assume all the want. They may think they are 99% sure, but its that 1% that I need.

I just don’t know whats wrong with me. I don’t know why I do what I do. And then I end up making him feel like an asshole about feeling bad about how he feels. Arg. I don’t want him to feel terrible, I don’t want to treat him that way. Insecurities? Stubbornness? Just-plain-bitch?

I don’t even know how to respond, all I said was, ‘you’re right’. And he is the sweetest ever. How could I make the one person who means the most to me feel this way?

f and a.

 

-r

WellThisIsAwkward.

So seriously, my apt has 3 bedrooms built in. All side by side down the hall. The walls appear to be paper-thin. Ive had a certain visitor over about 3-5x a week for the past 3 months. I think we underestimated the thickness of the walls and yeah, awkwarrddd.

I also think shes heard us talk dirty and other noised. UGHHHHHH. I want to magically disappear. or erase her memory. Goshdarnit. Why must she work at home and be home allllll the time. He’s in the process of buying an apt. Hopefully he gets it, because this is just getting ridiculous.

I guarantee she’s bitched about it to people whom I see on a weekly basis. eeeeek. fizzzUCK.

ohtheTemptation

A few posts ago I wrote about the people we heart from afar–that was triggered my own experiences happening at that moment. Well my little lemon drops, mine just did it again.

Oh for the love of coffee, leave me alone por favor! He had texted me last week saying he was coming down to NY to meet a bunch of friends from Madrid or friends that had traveled with him to Madrid–whatever. I was short in my reply. Deeming uninterested. He was all like, oh I want to see you and I hope I see you and yabbadabbadoo.

Calls me last night at 3AM. I was on the other line with my love. I put him on hold. Let’s just backtrack a tad to give a back-story to me and putting people on hold for this guy..

One night it was probably 1 or 2AM, I was on the phone with my current love, at the time I was not interested in having any relationship other than friends and had no attraction. He was suppose to come over after work. The guy from afar calls and I put Love on hold–for a long time. Because the guy from afar didn’t call me often to just chat! I had to hold on to it. and I didn’t care that love was on the other line. Then I realized he was calling me while on the phone with guy from afar! Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. He must have called me 16x. So I put gfa [guy from afar] on hold and Love told me he wasn’t able to come over after all, he had just received a text from his brother that there was a family emergency and to go to LIsland. Perfect. I got back on the phone with gfa. end of that story.

..So I put love on hold and talked to gfa for 5 minutes. I cut it short for I was annoyed with him. Calling me to tell me information I already knew. Gimmie a break. And the fact he was coming down to see other friends but ditched our plans a few months back when he was suppose to come down to see me and the city? What the fuck was that none-sense. I was furious. I was in that same position I had always been in with him. Always putting me 2nd, 3rd, 4th, while he would confess his blahblahblah to me. UGH. The nerve. The game.

Secretly I am so pumped. I cannot wait to see him. I just hope nothing happens other then great fun without sexual-ness. Becausssee the last time we spoke on hot terms he was dropping hints like how he would love to be with me and how what if something goes on between us and how he would want that to happen and texting me to run away with him and  a l l   t h a t    b u l  l s h i t e .

Anyhow. I am exhausted from this subject. I shall update you on the visit.

ps. I finally got the G1. though I have some lovely rant saved up for that one..

  

-r

yabbadabbdoo

i hate the health inspector.

end of story.

 

-r

heart2hatethenBacktoHeart

I totally love him.

BUT, TELL ME IF I OVERREACTED:

Our conversation in a nutshell on the subway last night–

“this morning this girl on the train was checking me out.. Like over and over again she kept looking at me and smiling”

“Oh yea?”

“Yea, she just kept staring at me and smiling, like when I got off she just looked at me while I got off”

“So was she cute?”

“Yea, she was cute, she was Latino.. like that look that..”

“WTF. You’re not suppose to admit she was cute! Why would you tell me that? You’re suppose to say, no, shes not your type or something. How would you like it if I told you, oh this guy checked me and he was actually pretty hot..[?] are you trying to make me jealous?”

“Well, yeah, I’d want you to be honest with me.. and no I’m not trying to make you jealous”

“there are some things you’re not suppose to be honest about.. telling each other every guy or girl we think are attractive is one of those things you keep to yourself. You already know how insecure I can be..You don’t get it do you?”

no answer..

 

-r