LA.ugh;neilpatricksBF.cool

I was in LA recently for an event. OHMYGOSH. While hanging out before and after work, LA is interesting. People definitely like to display their wealth in the most obvious way. Quite unclassy. Guys are driving benz while wearing armani exchange. I’mmmmm confused.

My chef and I were eating at an Italian restaurant outside and let me just say, LA is filllllled with valets. So this woman is with her kids and they were waiting for their car to be brought around, she waited for pretty much 20 minutes. My chef is like, with the time she was waiting she could have been at her car already and saved money. I was like, yeah well, shes wearing Chanel flats.. she doesnt want to wear them out. $800 flats. and theyre not cute. I love how people buy things just because of who makes it. This dislike falls into the same category of logos. I really detest when people wear shit just because it shows who they are wearing and how much they might have spent. Like ok, walking ad. lame.

Neil Patrick Harris’s boyfriend is staging at my work right now and he goes between LA and NY and he was saying how if someone in LA has an appt. 1 block away from their home, they drive. WOW. +theres no good restaurants, except like, Spago or Cut or something. But not much. UGH

 

-r

OhitsBeen@while

I basically fell off the face of wordpress. Apologies. I have so much to write about.

But let’s start off with current events shorthand-style.

The boy I loved and left for the other boy who stole my heart? Well, I’m trying to make it work again but 2ndhand man is still stealing my heart. UGH. FAIL. He just reminds me of everything I want that I dont have from the other guy. They are pretty much opposites and it’s driving me Crazyloco. oy.

Work is crazy. I need to save my drama post for another day.  But. I will be going to LA for 4 days saturday am for Meals on Wheels event. I’m excited. I need a break from ny and the guys, but mostly work.

Been dealing with a bunch of health issues. UGH. I hate making appts, and blah and bills, and I DONT GET PAID ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH THIS.. damn. I’ve had my own personal health insurance for the past.. hmm 4 years? I just never wanted to be without it so when I knew I’d be working at my school for x-amount of time for classes, I didnt want to have a 3-4 month gap before I got it back again. So, every year I’m paying more and more for this shite and it is kinda fucking me over. I pay at least 176/mo This year… about over 2gs/year and they’re not covering shit. or theyre putting me at places in my network and then this fucking joints dont work with cooperating labs or whatnot. HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE? And I’m constantly fighting them via email, phone trying to find out why they didnt pay a %. I win and sometimes I dont.

GAHH.

-r

cutmythroat.

I am seriously a solid 66% fucked. I am dejavuing. but worse.

My heart has gone elsewhere again, while being in love with another. ughh. Except this time, my love isn’t long distance, so what is the problem? The current pressures of seriousness or am I just ridiculous and a complete dude. Wandering eye. I was happy before I met this guy. Content? Perhaps. Now my world is shaken up like a silly margarita.

I cant choose. Bad boy or good guy. wWat do I want. fun? or simplicity. Do I leave my love to enjoy my young age or do I stick it out?

Take a break? or is that an excuse to do what I couldn’t with a boyfriend.

 

gag me. ugh.

 

-r

dejafuckingvu

OK. so. I’m in that great relationship right? ok, well. I’m stressed all over again. [Pressure.] He wants me to move in and it hasn’t even been a year and I don’t do that shit and hes talking about our future and shit and I’m only 22 and I cant have my future set already! gahhh!

So I also met a delicious young man. I might die. He is waaaay too cute, yet incredibly sexy. I cannot takkke ittt. gahd. Here’s my situation in a nutshell:

He knows I have a bf but is still pursuing me and doesn’t care if I cheat. His response was that ‘I know what I want and i should stop lying to myself’ since I really cant resist. he has a part I’ve lacked in many relationships. but perhaps I wanted what I wanted in a form of fantasy, not real life. What I mean is he is rather, rough.  a g g r e s s i v e . That to me is slightly tantalizing and just plain hot, I cant help myself as hard as I try to repel.

But in the long run, will this suffice? I don’t know. My current love is great. will do anything for me. understands me, doesn’t get mad at me, lets me get angry and complain. but there were no butterflies. In the beginning I didn’t even want to have a relationship. I just wanted to be friends. That’s it. I kept telling him no. And somehow, I gave in. Convinced myself otherwise. Perhaps it isn’t meant to be.

I dont know. torn.

 

-r

holycrap.

ugh. so my boyfriend of 7 months is renovating his now owned park ave apartment. he has asked me to help him find the furniture and blahblahblah. like my opinion matters. welll apparently it does! hes saying its our home. its for the future. shit son. seriously. joint accounts, picking wood floor shades, couches, rugs, yaddayadda. im feelin that slight anxiety blowupinmyfaceshithittingthefan feeling.

fuck. what is a girl to do.

weird thing is id pay less than i do right now. i pay about 600- not including electric and agua nonsense in bushwick. So id be saving $ and living in the city again. [yay] also i dont know how i feel about his parents paying like, 2/3rds of the mortgage. its like mommy and daddy are taking care of shit. like giving him a bmw, now they agreed to pay for his insurance since he now cant afford it since he has to pay rent now with his little paycheck. he is turning 25 next month, wtf. grow up. pay for your own shit.

other than that, hes exquisite.

the most random sidenote/feeling: pinche twitter. gahd.

 

-r

arggWorkrelationshits.

My boyfriend whom I work with was being a cry baby today. I asked what was bothering him and  he denied anything was wrong, but once I left work he texted me how he felt and whatnot. Apparently when everyone comes into work [he's usually the 1st to come into the kitchen], I distance myself from him and become cold and tend to tease him in front of others. And that he can take the teasing but wasn’t sure if I enjoyed doing it. Like it was on purpose.  He said he felt that I was smiling and laughing more so with others than him. He wasn’t sure if it was just jealousy.

Oh, bollocks.

It’s probably true. I probably do tease him since I don’t want to act lovey-dovey in front of co workers, especially when we both haven’t confirmed their thoughts on our relationship. Sure he may pick me up from work and help me out and we may eat lunch together and yaddayaddyadda, doesn’t meant I’m going to just be like, ‘oh yeah, we are dating’ . No way jorge. They don’t need to know. They can assume all the want. They may think they are 99% sure, but its that 1% that I need.

I just don’t know whats wrong with me. I don’t know why I do what I do. And then I end up making him feel like an asshole about feeling bad about how he feels. Arg. I don’t want him to feel terrible, I don’t want to treat him that way. Insecurities? Stubbornness? Just-plain-bitch?

I don’t even know how to respond, all I said was, ‘you’re right’. And he is the sweetest ever. How could I make the one person who means the most to me feel this way?

f and a.

 

-r

ooooXoooo

I saw my ex. ah. someone uppercut me please. thank you very mucho.

 

So I feel like an idiot for sure. He’s been doing that thing that boys do, they drop texts or whatevs to stay in your mind once you’ve slightly forgotten them and they make sure you don’t forget them. ARGG. So He was like, oh so can you hang out yet? And me being in this incredible relationship felt confident enough to say, Sure! You tell me when!

Well, to make a long story short, we end up grabbing dinner. I was so nervous. I didn’t know what to say or ask. I didn’t drink either so that didn’t help. He ended up doing most of the talking. It came of as show-off like and made me want to continue to keep my mouth shut. Things about flying to LA and going to Mardi gras for vacation and how all he did was drink and be a party boy. Not the guy I had originally met. It made me feel sick and not want to see him–at least not this season. He was the same yet not. I just kept thinking of how things used to be and how could an individual change so much after a relationship. I know it’s not uncommon but man, I don’t see the guy I used to know at all. He didn’t ask me any questions at all either. Obviously uninterested.

 

Awkward. He didn’t let me pay my portion of the dinner. I guess he still rememebers I made shit for money. He also texted me a happy birthday the next day. eh.

 

-r

yabbadabbdoo

i hate the health inspector.

end of story.

 

-r

heart2hatethenBacktoHeart

I totally love him.

BUT, TELL ME IF I OVERREACTED:

Our conversation in a nutshell on the subway last night–

“this morning this girl on the train was checking me out.. Like over and over again she kept looking at me and smiling”

“Oh yea?”

“Yea, she just kept staring at me and smiling, like when I got off she just looked at me while I got off”

“So was she cute?”

“Yea, she was cute, she was Latino.. like that look that..”

“WTF. You’re not suppose to admit she was cute! Why would you tell me that? You’re suppose to say, no, shes not your type or something. How would you like it if I told you, oh this guy checked me and he was actually pretty hot..[?] are you trying to make me jealous?”

“Well, yeah, I’d want you to be honest with me.. and no I’m not trying to make you jealous”

“there are some things you’re not suppose to be honest about.. telling each other every guy or girl we think are attractive is one of those things you keep to yourself. You already know how insecure I can be..You don’t get it do you?”

no answer..

 

-r

iGOt ::nervous

I met up with a lady friend I haven’t seen in years and holy shit I was nervous.. porque? well, because the last time I saw her we had hooked up when we got drizzunk. oy.

I think I still have her sweatshirt. awkward. But she looks lovely, and is still the hilarious charismatic girl I had once known. I cant believe we’ve been living in the same city for 2 years and had no idea. She had the brains to find me on a mutual friends facebook. genius.

I’m so happy we’re chilling again.  C:

 

-r