abandonment, shmabandonment.

I can try to think back and the only person who ever abandoned me and my siblings was my mother. I knew why she had to. I understood.. eventually. My father was controlling and isolating, to say the least. Had cut her off from any sort of socialization.

I get it.

Perhaps it’s the residing anger I have for her leaving us with the wolf to fend for ourselves. Forcing me to be more of a mother figure than I already was when she was gone. Trying to keep it together, for myself and little siblings. Trying to anticipate my fathers needs before he blew up.

I get it.

So why am I suffering from abandonment caused by men. Men who said they loved me. Leaving me for another continent. Saying the hardest thing about leaving, was leaving me. Men who I know aren’t the one for me. But yet, my heart literally feels like it’s ripping apart in all directions. Causing me to go into emotional rages.

I don’t recall getting this upset when one of my best friends moved back home.. Perhaps it’s because she wasn’t moving to France.. so far away.

Maybe it’s the fact that they stress so much how much they love you and how hard it is to leave you and that they don’t want to leave you and blahblahblah, and then they do. They leave. They leave you to crumble while your heart has mini heart attacks when you see something that reminds you of them. Hearing a song, passing That park, watching That show. Seeing someone else wear the same shoes they wear. A constant reminder. A constant pain. And to know, they are so busy with having the time of their lives, a new experience. And they probably aren’t thinking about you. And if they are, They aren’t sad. They have this false hope that you’re fine. Because they want you to be fine. They don’t want to be the reason you’re on antidepressants now. They don’t want to have this girl they know now turn crazed. They don’t want the blame.

I get it.

love doesnt move to another continent.

Can someone move away from a person they love so much? If they do move, and take up a job.. does that mean they don’t want the relationship? They don’t really love you as much as they claimed? Does. Love. Move. Question Mark.

.the.background2.the.Cr@ve//part1

I am still in absolute shock. Absolute fucking shock.
I have this friend at work, worked with him for about a year and never really had a conversation. Then one day I decide to go up to him and ask him what his goals are in life, being that no one at work knows anything about him. What does he plan to do after working here, where did he grow up, why this, and why that..

We end up forming a friendship. We found that we share one goal, and that’s to travel the world. We both don’t have anyone to travel with us, so we have then created that bond.

We hang out, play Super Mario, try new restaurants, walk around the city looking for new bakeries, cooking at my apartment. It’s good. I enjoy his company. I usually am friends with guys more so than girls.. so this is natural to me.

I fucked up one time because I let him stay in my bed, which led to some intense crave for each others affection. I personally got over it for the most part. I haven’t been this single  e v e r r r r r r , so I was feeling a bit lonely and he was the filler. Mind you, I was very up front about how I didn’t want a relationship and this was just play time.. and I figured that most guys would have appreciated that. Right or wrong? He replied, “I understand, that’s fine.”

It’s only been a month give or take that our friendship has taken form..

So what hit me last night turned my life upside down– went fucking right out of the ballpark.. and maybe into outer-space…..
more to continue.

-r

itsbeenawhile..

things to update you on:

my work schedule changed. boooo/yaay

trust fund baby and I finally hung out to plan our yearlong trip around the world and then ate at morimoto and saw the man himself cooking..

me and the ex are finally final. im 99% sure [more on that on another day]

ive finally gone off the radar again in terms of going out and partying/drinking. oy vey.

me and ron burgandy are talking again.

we’re finally changing the dessert menu.

me and sun are already planning our thanksgiving menu.

been looking for a 2nd job.

i cant remember anything else right now.

xo

 

-r

Ohthe//beauty

 

My day at Montreal’s beautiful market where you can get fresh crepes; savory or sweet:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I love how organized they are with placement.

 

That’s right, purple carrots.

 

 

The particular market I was at

The cross streets

 

silkroadpalace_Part/duo

A short story of friends, food, drinking and more.

Ok so in yesterdays asterisk* the situation had occurred to my best friend, and as it turns out, one of the girls that accompanied us out was the girlfriend of that dude. Yea, so can I just say in my opinion-that’s a shady thing to do, push a girl into the wall and yet the girlfriend is still with you?? Hi, red flag. If he’s got balls to push your friend, what makes you think he won’t push you/etc.??? Ok moving on.

So we get to this Chinese restaurant, Silk Road Palace. There is quite the wait, I am assuming it is very popular for the fact that they give out free white wine. [Boxed white wine at that-Diamond Lake for all you boxed wine lovers] We wait in the cold for a bit, finally we try to fit into the restaurant with the rest of the 30 people waiting. As you wait, people are trying to get through either to leave, get in to put their name on the list, or it’s the delivery guy. It was a very squished/claustrophobic area. At one point I had this big dude just giving me a lap dance of some sort, very uncomfortable experience let me just say. People at the bar would try and pass glasses of white to us, so I guess that was cool. But then I tasted this wine, and wow, not cool. No way Jose.

We finally sit down-order, get 2 bottles of wine, begin. Now, I hadn’t eaten much that day so I was starving, I also don’t drink often, if ever.. so tolerance was at an all time low + I am no big girl unfortunately, so I can’t keep up with these college gals who make it part of their studies to drink professionally.

The service was great, they would see your carafe ½ full and re-fill it to the top asap.. so you can imagine how much wine we were getting/ how fucked we were going to get..

To be continued..
-r

silkroadpalace_Part/uno

A short story of friends, food, drinking and more.

I live in the city, and I have this best friend that I’ve known since 7th grade. She lives about 1 ½ hours out of the city and into the Bronx. Sadly I don’t get to see her as often as I’d like to, even though we live so close. I’m definitely lucky to live in the same state as my best friend, since we all know that in most cases when people move from home, friends just don’t go follow them. But for us we just ended up finding each other.

So Friday night we make plans to go out with 2 of her friends from college, they were going to come into the city. [yaay!] So we were to meet at 6:30, she ran late, then I had transportation delays, and we couldn’t reach each other on our cells, so it was all very frustrating. Finally we meet at Times Square, and it’s 8:00. She wasn’t in the best mood for a moment, plus someone had just thrown a penny at her! [wtf?]

We go back into the subway to go uptown, destination: 81st and Amsterdam.

*little side note//what would you do in this situation..

Say one night you’re crying for whatever reason, so your friend comes to console you. Your boyfriend isn’t really helping, so your friend tells him to just go back to his room and let you handle it.

Ok, say he gets angry, and perhaps he was angry beforehand but he’s mad because you’re telling him to let you handle it and so he pushes you into a wall.

So should I dump the guy because he pushed my friend, and that’s a red flag that he’ll push me/etc.?

Or let it slide?

p.s. We’ve only been dating for 5 days, and she’s been my friend for 3 years.

To be continued…

–r

17hr.flightsmakeyouthink

Being in a different country for a month can be splendid depending on what situation you were leaving back home. I was of course leaving at the very worst possible time.

I had just been layed off a week before my departure, had a move out date that was coming up fast, and no access from where I was to deal with it. So I was pretty uptight and depressed the majority of the time. Where was I for a month? Bangkok, Thailand.

Let’s just touch upon how much I missed America comparing to Thailand. No hot running water (unless you went to a hotel), ants could visit you at night and say hello–as well as lizards, pollution was so bad that police, toll workers, and regular pedestrians would wear masks over their mouth and nose.  I missed our yellow taxis, all they had over there were bright pinks, oranges, greens and blues. Food! English language. Dryers. Friends & boyfriend. I felt weird living in a country that had a king and queen. I felt so 1500′s. I certainly didn’t miss malls. They had an abundace. 1 baht = 3 cents. You can get a meal for 25b, not bad.

Other than that, it was a great place. Tourist areas were exactly the reason why they were tourist areas. Beautiful. I can definately say that I would never want to live there. Even with family living there, I dont think I could do it, but maybe thats just me knowing I can’t speak Thai with a side of naive.

Glad to be back.

r