ooooXoooo

I saw my ex. ah. someone uppercut me please. thank you very mucho.

 

So I feel like an idiot for sure. He’s been doing that thing that boys do, they drop texts or whatevs to stay in your mind once you’ve slightly forgotten them and they make sure you don’t forget them. ARGG. So He was like, oh so can you hang out yet? And me being in this incredible relationship felt confident enough to say, Sure! You tell me when!

Well, to make a long story short, we end up grabbing dinner. I was so nervous. I didn’t know what to say or ask. I didn’t drink either so that didn’t help. He ended up doing most of the talking. It came of as show-off like and made me want to continue to keep my mouth shut. Things about flying to LA and going to Mardi gras for vacation and how all he did was drink and be a party boy. Not the guy I had originally met. It made me feel sick and not want to see him–at least not this season. He was the same yet not. I just kept thinking of how things used to be and how could an individual change so much after a relationship. I know it’s not uncommon but man, I don’t see the guy I used to know at all. He didn’t ask me any questions at all either. Obviously uninterested.

 

Awkward. He didn’t let me pay my portion of the dinner. I guess he still rememebers I made shit for money. He also texted me a happy birthday the next day. eh.

 

-r

seeingYourex’s[fat&ugly]gf/bf

I don’t find the relief in seeing an ex with someone who is fat and/or ugly. I can understand if they leave me for someone hot. Anyone could.

What I can’t understand is if they leave me for someone worse. Yes, they have lowered their standards perhaps… [not to sound full of myself or to judge other's tastes, but you know we all think this way, its only natural.] But it’s just like, hi, you left me for her?/him and then I would begin to wonder what in the whole wide world did they have that I didn’t. I was lovely and you had me.

Boggles my mind.

It’s like being given a bmw, but you trade it in for a taurus. no offense to taurus drivers. Like come on. And it’s even worse to me, if they go to that level and then come back for you, its like no way José. But we can’t help it sometimes when they do come back to us from the fugly, you feel as if you’ve won.  

 

B u t   y o u   h a v e n ‘ t .

 

-r

schoolgirlskirts&_men

Real quick:

I was on the C train this morning and this girl sitting across from me looked to be going to school, because she had a light blue school girl skirt and book bag+the long socks.

So she gets off at 14th and while she’s waiting for the doors to open, I looked at every guy in there, women included, but men especially.. and they were just staring. And you Know, they are thinking dirty things. You know it, don’t even deny it. It wasn’t like she was super pretty either or had a nice ass, it was the skirt. I’m familiar with men and their school girl fantasy but seriously, the skirt has such power/bad and good.

 

So I then made eye contact with the surrounding men, smiling–because I knew.

 

-r

ohh/chef..

So I have been rather frustrated with the fact that I wanted to come in on one of my days off to help out in kitchen where I work, but on the savory side. I’ve always been a terrible cook, and I only took the pastry course. I was willing to work for free too. But I told my pastry chef and she said she wouldn’t allow it. Her explanation consisted of me needing balance in my life, how I already spend atleast 60hours there, and that I should enjoy my time off, and do non-cooking things.

But I want to learn, hands on. Sure I can read, but I am more of the type that needs to actually do it to retain it and understand. So then I had to tell my other chef that I couldnt come in, and so that chef flipped out, because it seemed strange and unfair to deny someone of learning. It’s like, hey, free help man. wtf.

I even had another chef I know tell me that my chef may be telling me no because she has other plans for me. That I could be be ruining my chances at a raise (which is already overdue) or promotion in the future. That my chef may feel like I have betrayed her. That she may feel like, oh no, what if she leaves pastry for savory. I’m a pretty loyal person, I just like to learn all that I can when the opprotunity and chances are available, especially since I know everyone already and the kitchen layout and they like me, and it’s not like I have to pay to go to school and learn this stuff. I have the chance to learn it right there where I work, with people who are willing to take the time and teach me. This other chef even told me that it’s people like me, that try and learn everything and they end up losing focus and thats why they dont move up and become leaders–this was mostly directed towards women. Okay, with that being said, I guess I should stop cooking dinner at home, because it’s savory, and I could be losing focus. I say fuck that bullshit. Fuck it. Such horse shit.

 

Anyhoo. I won’t disrespect my chef, but I will say it was a surprise to me that it wasnt a universal response..

 

-r

theBig-two/one

So ew. I turn 21 Friday. ew ew ew.

All I feel is over the hill already. I used to be called ‘Old Lady’ back home because all I did was wear pearls, have aches and pains, drink tea, didn’t party, hang out with older people, watch Oprah, and use anti-aging soap wash. Ha, I was 18 at that time.

I don’t want to do the typical get drunk on your 21st, and go out and about being all crazy. I just want a nice dinner and not making it about me. I don’t feel this is what I will get even though this is what I have expressed for the longest time. Oh well. I know I’ll get over it when it’s done and overwith. [fingers crossed] I can’t imagen how I’ll be when I’m in my thirties– yikes.

I also have to get a new license now. My current one expires this month. Ahh, I hate the DMV.

I want so much to be Peter Pan. 19 was my prime. Oh such a fabulous age. Turning twenty was devastating as well, no more teen at the end of my age.

I’m also convinced I have Early Onsetting Alzheimer’s Disease. It does run in my family. My memory is of a 56 year old. Perhaps worse.

So boo to my birthday. I just hope I get to eat something deliciously chocolate. chya.

-r

updizz8te

howdy.

So, my current problem that has been present for the past few months; bad dreams.

Consistently dreaming bad dreams of the same shit. Dreaming I am getting into car crashes, falling, running from something, being scared, people breaking into my home, and last night, I dreamt of something burning. I forget what. I also have been dreaming of my mom lately, and they aren’t pleasant. So mega sad.

 

I dont know what it all means. I can’t figure out how to make them stop. I havn’t slept well in  s o   l o n g .

-r

silkroadpalace_Part/duo

A short story of friends, food, drinking and more.

Ok so in yesterdays asterisk* the situation had occurred to my best friend, and as it turns out, one of the girls that accompanied us out was the girlfriend of that dude. Yea, so can I just say in my opinion-that’s a shady thing to do, push a girl into the wall and yet the girlfriend is still with you?? Hi, red flag. If he’s got balls to push your friend, what makes you think he won’t push you/etc.??? Ok moving on.

So we get to this Chinese restaurant, Silk Road Palace. There is quite the wait, I am assuming it is very popular for the fact that they give out free white wine. [Boxed white wine at that-Diamond Lake for all you boxed wine lovers] We wait in the cold for a bit, finally we try to fit into the restaurant with the rest of the 30 people waiting. As you wait, people are trying to get through either to leave, get in to put their name on the list, or it’s the delivery guy. It was a very squished/claustrophobic area. At one point I had this big dude just giving me a lap dance of some sort, very uncomfortable experience let me just say. People at the bar would try and pass glasses of white to us, so I guess that was cool. But then I tasted this wine, and wow, not cool. No way Jose.

We finally sit down-order, get 2 bottles of wine, begin. Now, I hadn’t eaten much that day so I was starving, I also don’t drink often, if ever.. so tolerance was at an all time low + I am no big girl unfortunately, so I can’t keep up with these college gals who make it part of their studies to drink professionally.

The service was great, they would see your carafe ½ full and re-fill it to the top asap.. so you can imagine how much wine we were getting/ how fucked we were going to get..

To be continued..
-r

silkroadpalace_Part/uno

A short story of friends, food, drinking and more.

I live in the city, and I have this best friend that I’ve known since 7th grade. She lives about 1 ½ hours out of the city and into the Bronx. Sadly I don’t get to see her as often as I’d like to, even though we live so close. I’m definitely lucky to live in the same state as my best friend, since we all know that in most cases when people move from home, friends just don’t go follow them. But for us we just ended up finding each other.

So Friday night we make plans to go out with 2 of her friends from college, they were going to come into the city. [yaay!] So we were to meet at 6:30, she ran late, then I had transportation delays, and we couldn’t reach each other on our cells, so it was all very frustrating. Finally we meet at Times Square, and it’s 8:00. She wasn’t in the best mood for a moment, plus someone had just thrown a penny at her! [wtf?]

We go back into the subway to go uptown, destination: 81st and Amsterdam.

*little side note//what would you do in this situation..

Say one night you’re crying for whatever reason, so your friend comes to console you. Your boyfriend isn’t really helping, so your friend tells him to just go back to his room and let you handle it.

Ok, say he gets angry, and perhaps he was angry beforehand but he’s mad because you’re telling him to let you handle it and so he pushes you into a wall.

So should I dump the guy because he pushed my friend, and that’s a red flag that he’ll push me/etc.?

Or let it slide?

p.s. We’ve only been dating for 5 days, and she’s been my friend for 3 years.

To be continued…

–r

n-er-gee

i <3 red bull

forgetme//forgetyou

There is this power that controls us to control things in our life; and we can’t help it.

 Like for example, the boy I was totally head over heels for, I made myself turn that feeling off– and then it has come back.. slowly.  It haunts me. It makes me toss and turn at night literally. I didn’t fall asleep till after 5 am last night.

This boy makes me think of things I don’t want to. Like how I don’t feel my boyfriend is the right guy for me. How I feel as though there’s better out there but I seem to be settling. And then I think of this guy constantly. I can’t get him out of my head.

Am I feeling this way just becfause my boyfriend and I have been long distance for almost 15 months now and I am just lonely? Where do you draw the line wether or not I am in love or just plain love him? How come I find myself ignoring his phone calls sometimes? Why do my eyes wander now? If you’re in love, shouldn’t you just know that this person is amazing and albeit not wonder about others? Or perhaps I am too young?

I can’t get him out of my head; and as frustrating as he may be, he makes me smile no matter what.

–r